According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.— Jay Leno
The most beautiful Jay Leno quotes that will inspire your inner self
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America.
Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
I think high self-esteem is overrated.
A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
Kentucky Fried Chicken.. KFC... Keep Fooling Customers.
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.
A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag.
That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.
You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats
In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%.
The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.
Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's.
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.
These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon.
People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten.
In a groundbreaking move, the Associated Press, the largest news-gathering organization in the World, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant'. They will now use the phrase 'undocumented democrat'.
America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why: you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds. Hey, what's this? A Pepsi ad? They're ruining the integrity of the Internet!
We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.
So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs.
We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new.
In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong.
Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21.
If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.
President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot.
Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn't that a condom ad?
McDonald's announced that it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn't it?
Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.
President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same.
Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?
President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden.
It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012.
Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?
Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.
President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?
There are over 30 doctors running for the US Congress this year.
That's going to be rather strange. Half the time these folks will be playing God and asking women to take their clothes off and the other half the time they will be doctors.