I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

— Jay London

The most glamorous Jay London quotes that will transform you to a better person

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

49

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

42

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

25

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

20

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

19

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions.

He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

13

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

12

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

12

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

6

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

6

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument.

He told me to knock myself out.

5

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

4

About Jay London

Quotes 38 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday September 12, 1966

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

3

His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion.

He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.

3

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

3

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

3

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

3

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

2

I was born nine months premature.

2

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

1

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

1

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

1

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

1

People read me but they don't subscribe.

0

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

0

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

0

I saw a stationery store move.

0

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

0

You know what burns me? Matches.

0

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

0

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

0

I model irregular clothing.

0

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

0

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

0

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

0

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

0

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

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