110+ Joan Rivers Quotes On Success, Funny And Bold

Joan Rivers was an American comedian, actress, writer, producer, and television host. She was known for her brash, often controversial comedic style, which heavily relied on poking fun at celebrities, politicians, and other public figures. She was one of the first female comedians to break through the "glass ceiling" and become a mainstream success. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Joan Rivers on life, success, love.

Top 10 Joan Rivers Quotes

1. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
2. My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
3. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
4. I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
5. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
6. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
7. It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
8. We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
9. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all over again.
10. Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers Image Quotes

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Short Quotes

• I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.
• If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
• At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
• I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
• To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
• We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
• When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
• I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

Joan Rivers Quotes About Life

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. — Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. — Joan Rivers

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none. — Joan Rivers

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present. — Joan Rivers

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do. — Joan Rivers

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog. — Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. — Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone. — Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes About Love

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass! — Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.' — Joan Rivers

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. — Joan Rivers

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible. — Joan Rivers

I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God! — Joan Rivers

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. — Joan Rivers

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them. — Joan Rivers

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head. — Joan Rivers

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process. — Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes About Funny

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. — Joan Rivers

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. — Joan Rivers

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones. — Joan Rivers

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs. — Joan Rivers

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.' — Joan Rivers

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. — Joan Rivers

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' — Joan Rivers

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do — Joan Rivers

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.' — Joan Rivers

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes About Birth

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. — Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. — Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. — Joan Rivers

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth. — Joan Rivers

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes About Beds

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body. — Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack. — Joan Rivers

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts. — Joan Rivers

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes About Taylor

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. — Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. — Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. — Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Quotes About Told

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' — Joan Rivers

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'. — Joan Rivers

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day. — Joan Rivers

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet! — Joan Rivers

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four. — Joan Rivers

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Famous Quotes And Sayings

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. — Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. — Joan Rivers

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. — Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. — Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. — Joan Rivers

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet. — Joan Rivers

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them. — Joan Rivers

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. — Joan Rivers

I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. — Joan Rivers

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit. — Joan Rivers

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake. — Joan Rivers

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face. — Joan Rivers

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch. — Joan Rivers

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change. — Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. — Joan Rivers

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all. — Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. — Joan Rivers

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter. — Joan Rivers

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been. — Joan Rivers

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller. — Joan Rivers

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud. — Joan Rivers

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby. — Joan Rivers

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders." — Joan Rivers

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner. — Joan Rivers

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again. — Joan Rivers

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters. — Joan Rivers

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. — Joan Rivers

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce. — Joan Rivers

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. — Joan Rivers

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth. — Joan Rivers

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target. — Joan Rivers

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. — Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. — Joan Rivers

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel. — Joan Rivers

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom. — Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. — Joan Rivers

I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck — Joan Rivers

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. — Joan Rivers

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. — Joan Rivers

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time. — Joan Rivers

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing. — Joan Rivers

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it! — Joan Rivers

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke. — Joan Rivers

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome. — Joan Rivers

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune. — Joan Rivers

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children. — Joan Rivers

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them. — Joan Rivers

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. — Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. — Joan Rivers

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die. — Joan Rivers

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. — Joan Rivers

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool. — Joan Rivers

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary. — Joan Rivers

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you. — Joan Rivers

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.” — Joan Rivers

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples! — Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids. — Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.' — Joan Rivers

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof. — Joan Rivers

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery. — Joan Rivers

Life Lessons by Joan Rivers

1. Joan Rivers taught us to never give up on our dreams, no matter how hard it may seem. She worked hard to make her mark in the entertainment industry and was an inspiration to many.
2. Joan Rivers also showed us that it is important to stay true to ourselves and have a sense of humour in life. She was known for her sharp wit and her ability to make people laugh.
3. Finally, Joan Rivers showed us that it is important to be resilient and to never give up, even when faced with adversity. Her life was full of ups and downs, but she never stopped fighting for what she believed in.