I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.— Joan Rivers
The most fantastic Joan Rivers quotes that will add value to your life
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all over again.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I enjoy life when things are happening.
I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you.
For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord.
For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals.
She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.
Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.
No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected;
the only surprise is a day that has none.
I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.