Best quotes by the American Comedian Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
  • medical

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  • Marriage

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
  • dresses

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
  • eighteen



I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
  • pet

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
  • air

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
  • came

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
  • marriage

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
  • funny

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
  • age

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
  • humanity

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
  • funny

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
  • humor

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
  • love

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • marriage

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  • marriage

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
  • funny

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • annoy

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
  • dating

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
  • ask

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
  • ears

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
  • buried

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
  • buried

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
  • parenting

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
  • funny

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
  • pet

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
  • moving

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
  • humor


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Comedian similar to Rita Rudner


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Josh Billings 112 quotes
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James Thurber 84 quotes

TABLE OF CONTENTS

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Best Rita Rudner quotes

Part 2
Rita Rudner pictures quotes

Part 4
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