110+ Rita Rudner Quotes On Marriage, Magnum Pi And Johnny Carson

Rita Rudner is an American comedian, writer, and actress. She is best known for her stand-up comedy, which often features observational humor and one-liners. She rose to fame in the 1980s and has been performing her stand-up comedy act for over 30 years. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Rita Rudner on life, marriage, love.

Top 10 Rita Rudner Quotes

1. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
2. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
3. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
4. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
5. It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
6. I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
7. I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
8. Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
9. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
10. The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Rita Rudner Image Quotes

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. — Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Short Quotes

• Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
• My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
• My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
• Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
• I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
• I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
• Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
• I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
• I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
• I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Rita Rudner Quotes About Life

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." — Rita Rudner

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. — Rita Rudner

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. — Rita Rudner

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. — Rita Rudner

Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. — Rita Rudner

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life. — Rita Rudner

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works. — Rita Rudner

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this. — Rita Rudner

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life. — Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Quotes About Marriage

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one. — Rita Rudner

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? — Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. — Rita Rudner

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Quotes About Love

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. — Rita Rudner

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty. — Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. — Rita Rudner

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. — Rita Rudner

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

Never take candy from strangers. — Rita Rudner

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. — Rita Rudner

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. — Rita Rudner

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" — Rita Rudner

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. — Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Quotes About Funny

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups. — Rita Rudner

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. — Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. — Rita Rudner

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. — Rita Rudner

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo. — Rita Rudner

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly. — Rita Rudner

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. — Rita Rudner

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. — Rita Rudner

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon? — Rita Rudner

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. — Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Quotes About People

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. — Rita Rudner

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going. — Rita Rudner

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind. — Rita Rudner

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture. — Rita Rudner

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. — Rita Rudner

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself. — Rita Rudner

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. — Rita Rudner

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. — Rita Rudner

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job! — Rita Rudner

You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. — Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Quotes About Audience

Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. — Rita Rudner

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. — Rita Rudner

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. — Rita Rudner

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. — Rita Rudner

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. — Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Famous Quotes And Sayings

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. — Rita Rudner

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' — Rita Rudner

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag. — Rita Rudner

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen — Rita Rudner

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy. — Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? — Rita Rudner

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror. — Rita Rudner

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV. — Rita Rudner

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. — Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? — Rita Rudner

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money? — Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. — Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help. — Rita Rudner

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? — Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. — Rita Rudner

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. — Rita Rudner

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young. — Rita Rudner

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! — Rita Rudner

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. — Rita Rudner

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. — Rita Rudner

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. — Rita Rudner

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. — Rita Rudner

Men in high levels of government seldom surf. — Rita Rudner

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." — Rita Rudner

I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them. — Rita Rudner

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog. — Rita Rudner

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. — Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. — Rita Rudner

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in. — Rita Rudner

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. — Rita Rudner

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin. — Rita Rudner

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. — Rita Rudner

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots? — Rita Rudner

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. — Rita Rudner

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"? — Rita Rudner

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers. — Rita Rudner

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience. — Rita Rudner

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." — Rita Rudner

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment. — Rita Rudner

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs. — Rita Rudner

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. — Rita Rudner

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts. — Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." — Rita Rudner

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. — Rita Rudner

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. — Rita Rudner

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch. — Rita Rudner

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale. — Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. — Rita Rudner

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. — Rita Rudner

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. — Rita Rudner

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. — Rita Rudner

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container. — Rita Rudner

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup. — Rita Rudner

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" — Rita Rudner

Life Lessons by Rita Rudner

1. Rita Rudner teaches us to be kind and generous, to always look for the humor in life, and to never take ourselves too seriously.
2. She encourages us to be resilient in the face of adversity, to be open to new experiences, and to appreciate the small moments.
3. Lastly, she reminds us to be thankful for the people we have in our lives and to take time to enjoy the little things.