110+ Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (Funny, Observational And Iconic)

Jerry Seinfeld was an American comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He was best known for playing a semi-fictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he co-created and co-wrote with Larry David. He was also the co-creator and co-writer of the animated sitcom Bee Movie.

Top 10 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

1. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
2. Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
3. These pretzels are making me thirsty!
4. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
5. The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
6. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
7. So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
8. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
9. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
10. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld Image Quotes

These pretzels are making me thirsty! — Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? — Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! — Jerry Seinfeld

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. — Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Short Quotes

• Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.
• Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
• A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
• I am speechless: I have no speech
• There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
• To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
• I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
• I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

Jerry Seinfeld Famous Quotes And Sayings

These pretzels are making me thirsty! — Jerry Seinfeld

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. — Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? — Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! — Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. — Jerry Seinfeld

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? — Jerry Seinfeld

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. — Jerry Seinfeld

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this? — Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. — Jerry Seinfeld

Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me. — Jerry Seinfeld

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" — Jerry Seinfeld

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!" — Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets. — Jerry Seinfeld

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. — Jerry Seinfeld

Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down." — Jerry Seinfeld

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. — Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. — Jerry Seinfeld

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. — Jerry Seinfeld

There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people. — Jerry Seinfeld

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white! — Jerry Seinfeld

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? — Jerry Seinfeld

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? — Jerry Seinfeld

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? — Jerry Seinfeld

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' — Jerry Seinfeld

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? — Jerry Seinfeld

To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box. — Jerry Seinfeld

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. — Jerry Seinfeld

Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people." — Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. — Jerry Seinfeld

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me. — Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message. — Jerry Seinfeld

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. — Jerry Seinfeld

I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.' — Jerry Seinfeld

Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. — Jerry Seinfeld

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. — Jerry Seinfeld

We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape, we didn't get a good night's sleep, we're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. — Jerry Seinfeld

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. — Jerry Seinfeld

All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh. — Jerry Seinfeld

I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry. — Jerry Seinfeld

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. — Jerry Seinfeld

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? — Jerry Seinfeld

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. — Jerry Seinfeld

Pay attention; don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. — Jerry Seinfeld

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. — Jerry Seinfeld

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. — Jerry Seinfeld

Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened. — Jerry Seinfeld

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. — Jerry Seinfeld

The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you win the gold - you feel good, you win the bronze - you think, 'Well at least I got something'. But when you win silver, it's like, 'Congratulations, you 'almost' won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one 'loser.' No one lost ahead of you. — Jerry Seinfeld

The best revenge is living well. — Jerry Seinfeld

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. — Jerry Seinfeld

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be. — Jerry Seinfeld

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track. — Jerry Seinfeld

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. — Jerry Seinfeld

If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight? — Jerry Seinfeld

Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with. — Jerry Seinfeld

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." — Jerry Seinfeld

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel. — Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, "I could do that! He's not that good. — Jerry Seinfeld

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home. — Jerry Seinfeld

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For? — Jerry Seinfeld

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. — Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them. — Jerry Seinfeld

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters. — Jerry Seinfeld

Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise. — Jerry Seinfeld

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city. — Jerry Seinfeld

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves. — Jerry Seinfeld

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" — Jerry Seinfeld

Not that there's anything wrong with that. — Jerry Seinfeld

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. — Jerry Seinfeld

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. — Jerry Seinfeld

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer. — Jerry Seinfeld

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day — Jerry Seinfeld

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge. — Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. — Jerry Seinfeld

What the hell, I'll just eat some trash. — Jerry Seinfeld

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant. — Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason — Jerry Seinfeld

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt. — Jerry Seinfeld

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance. — Jerry Seinfeld

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV. — Jerry Seinfeld

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?" — Jerry Seinfeld

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show. — Jerry Seinfeld

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex. — Jerry Seinfeld

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. — Jerry Seinfeld

It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is! — Jerry Seinfeld

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have — Jerry Seinfeld

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved. — Jerry Seinfeld

Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day. — Jerry Seinfeld

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. — Jerry Seinfeld

I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up? — Jerry Seinfeld

What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet. "Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets. "What is it they think we will do? Turn 'em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes? — Jerry Seinfeld

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire. — Jerry Seinfeld

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. — Jerry Seinfeld

Life Lessons by Jerry Seinfeld

1. Jerry Seinfeld teaches us to find the humor in everyday life and to not take ourselves too seriously.
2. He also emphasizes the importance of hard work and dedication to achieve success.
3. Lastly, he encourages us to always strive to be the best version of ourselves and to never give up on our dreams.