Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun.

You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking.

Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I am speechless: I have no speech

Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down."

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box.

Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.