Quotes by American Comedian Jerry Seinfeld



If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. Jerry Seinfeld
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A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. Jerry Seinfeld

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be. Jerry Seinfeld
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Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason Jerry Seinfeld

I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting...Which is more important, the present or the future? Jerry Seinfeld

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld
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There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfeld

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here. Jerry Seinfeld
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Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. Jerry Seinfeld
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  • #pets


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