Say what you want about the deaf.— Jimmy Carr
The most cheering Jimmy Carr quotes that are easy to memorize and remember
The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked.
We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.
Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim.
She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'.
What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
I have no problems with buying tampons.
I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
You go, well you can't joke about race.
Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually.
My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money.
It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning.
Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.
Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist.
" I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.
I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian.
You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.
There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
I like to write a joke without any fat on it.
The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.