110+ Bill Maher Quotes (Witty, Satirical And Incisive)

Top 10 Bill Maher Quotes (BEST)

  1. I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
  2. The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.
  3. If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
  4. All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.
  5. It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.
  6. To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
  7. You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
  8. Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.
  9. Everything that used to be a sin, is now a disease.
  10. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.

Bill Maher Short Quotes

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  • Denying racism is the new racism.
  • We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
  • I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
  • I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.
  • Men are only as loyal as their options.
  • Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.
  • Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
  • Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
  • If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
  • The answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach.

Bill Maher Famous Quotes And Sayings

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Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence. — Bill Maher

New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain. — Bill Maher

Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum. — Bill Maher

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. — Bill Maher

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids. — Bill Maher

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed. — Bill Maher

God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me." — Bill Maher

The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key deciscions made by religious people. By irrationalists. By those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken. — Bill Maher

But I've often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They're sweet. They're loving. They're kind, but they don't mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children. — Bill Maher

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. — Bill Maher

In ten Muslim countries you can get the death penalty just for being gay. If they were chopping the heads off of gay people in the Vatican, wouldn't there be a greater outcry among liberals? — Bill Maher

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air. — Bill Maher

Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box. — Bill Maher

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority. — Bill Maher

The president had a press conference about this this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, 'Like having no plan ever stopped me before.'. He has something even more deadly in store for them - we're going to bring them democracy. — Bill Maher

Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss. — Bill Maher

In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit. — Bill Maher

Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon. — Bill Maher

Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation. — Bill Maher

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. — Bill Maher

If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church. — Bill Maher

Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman. — Bill Maher

If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs. — Bill Maher

If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them. — Bill Maher

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically. — Bill Maher

Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country. I just like to bring this up because every week I like to make Republican heads explode about how they love Ronald Reagan, but would despise everything he did. — Bill Maher

Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk. — Bill Maher

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money. — Bill Maher

Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on? — Bill Maher

People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!! — Bill Maher

I'm for the death penalty, I'm pro-abortion, I'm pro-assisted suicide, I'm pro-regular suicide. Anything that'll get the traffic moving. — Bill Maher

To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off. — Bill Maher

I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people get enough money to live, or you're always going to have people needing government assistance. You can't have it both ways. — Bill Maher

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the fries on the way home. — Bill Maher

When did the business community in America become so sensitive? ... that we have to treat like some type of rare exotic animal - don't startle them or they'll fly away!...we need to soothe them so they can nest here and lay their magic eggs full of jobs! - WHICH NEVER HATCH BY THE WAY!!! — Bill Maher

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly. — Bill Maher

I don't say that I'm an atheist. I don't like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don't know. And if you don't know - and you don't - just man up and say you don't know. Don't turn to silly stories and ancient myths. — Bill Maher

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy's sister, endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, said he's not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge. — Bill Maher

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show. — Bill Maher

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position — Bill Maher

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit! — Bill Maher

Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.' — Bill Maher

I don't think all life is precious. I know people say that all the time, "Life is precious." I think some life is precious, and some life is just a waste of protoplasm. Start over. — Bill Maher

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity - mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism - mumbling to the wall, Islam - mumbling to the floor. — Bill Maher

When it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens. — Bill Maher

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade? — Bill Maher

A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He's 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I'm guessing he's really 60 and gay. — Bill Maher

It's understandable why a minority that was treated as badly as blacks in this country have been for so long would, when they finally found themselves on top, brag about it and want to shout from the rooftops. — Bill Maher

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity. — Bill Maher

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious. — Bill Maher

The Hollywood executives are, like, ‘We’re not racist, we just have to pretend to be racists because we’re capitalists. We want to sell our movies in China (and) they don’t like Kevin Hart.’ — Bill Maher

President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy. — Bill Maher

The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around. — Bill Maher

The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers. — Bill Maher

The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality. — Bill Maher

Sam Harris made that great analogy. He said, 'If someone was talking into their hair dryer and claiming that they were speaking to God, they would call Bellevue. But, take away the hair dryer, it's just praying.' — Bill Maher

Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News. — Bill Maher

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books. — Bill Maher

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' — Bill Maher

In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.'...You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone. Not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget. — Bill Maher

Maybe a president who didn't believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed. — Bill Maher

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, 'You know what? Let's just grab lunch.' — Bill Maher

The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you'll wind up with a lover. — Bill Maher

40% of homicides go unsolved. You know, it's not a very good record. And, also, 95% of convictions in America come from plea bargaining, which is often coerced. It's like we have the worst of both worlds. We don't convict the guilty enough, and we coerce the innocent too much. — Bill Maher

Every time somebody says 'Islamophobia' it gives the people who are intimidating cover. — Bill Maher

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch. — Bill Maher

The people [in the USA] are not very well informed. They certainly don`t know history. They certainly are not interested in foreign affairs very much, unless it comes right to their doorstep. They all learn history through wars. They learn geography through wars. — Bill Maher

I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it. — Bill Maher

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half. — Bill Maher

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about...Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings, who don't have all the answers, to think that they do. — Bill Maher

Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush - or as Republicans put it, let's talk about gay people and abortion! — Bill Maher

Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights. — Bill Maher

Thanks [Donald] Trump for exposing evangelicals as 'shameless hypocrites'. — Bill Maher

I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing... When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid. — Bill Maher

Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them. — Bill Maher

You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking, what he secretly wants to change. Anger with Bush was based on what he actually did. What Bush was thinking didn't matter. Because he wasn't. — Bill Maher

Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them! — Bill Maher

We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called 'trickle down.' That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: 'We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it.' — Bill Maher

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it. — Bill Maher

I don't believe in a lot of things from the Bronze Age, but an eye for an eye does make a sort of symmetrical sense to me. I really believe that if somebody takes a life, that [death penalty] is what they should get. I also think it's a lot more humane than keeping people in a cage for the rest of their life. — Bill Maher

The people who got everything wrong are back on TV talking about the place they got all wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's like Satan's VIP list for Hell. — Bill Maher

There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote. — Bill Maher

North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that’s North Carolina today. — Bill Maher

I think religion is a neurological disorder. — Bill Maher

Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show. — Bill Maher

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? — Bill Maher

Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck. — Bill Maher

When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea. — Bill Maher

What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter. — Bill Maher

A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair. — Bill Maher

Life Lessons by Bill Maher

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  1. Bill Maher teaches us to think critically and challenge conventional wisdom, as he often speaks out against mainstream opinion and encourages us to question authority.
  2. He also encourages us to be open-minded and tolerant of different perspectives, as he often invites guests from all sides of the political spectrum to discuss controversial topics.
  3. Finally, he encourages us to take a stand for what we believe in, as he is not afraid to express his opinions and speak out against injustice.

In Conclusion

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