I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.— Bill Maher
The most reckoning Bill Maher quotes that will be huge advantage for your personal development
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.
It's not getting any better for the American people.
It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book.
Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes.
He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.
New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
Everything that used to be a sin, is now a disease.
You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.
Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.
Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
Denying racism is the new racism.
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
Men are only as loyal as their options.
God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."
The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live.
The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key deciscions made by religious people. By irrationalists. By those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.
But I've often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They're sweet. They're loving. They're kind, but they don't mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.
Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.
Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
The answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
I think religion is a neurological disorder.
If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
The president had a press conference about this this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, 'Like having no plan ever stopped me before.'. He has something even more deadly in store for them - we're going to bring them democracy.
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
In ten Muslim countries you can get the death penalty just for being gay.
If they were chopping the heads off of gay people in the Vatican, wouldn't there be a greater outcry among liberals?
In Europe, Socialism is just another political party.
It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.
Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box.
Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it.
They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.
Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.
Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection.
He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon.
If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking.
It's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction.
Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman.
If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game.
They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk.
If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.
Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country.
I just like to bring this up because every week I like to make Republican heads explode about how they love Ronald Reagan, but would despise everything he did.
People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!!
Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening.
It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the fries on the way home.
To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.