Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.— Billy Crystal
The most valuable Billy Crystal quotes that are easy to memorize and remember
Change is such hard work.
My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love.
For almost 40 years, he was the brightest star in the comedy galaxy.
.. Their beautiful light will continue to shine on us forever. And the glow will be so bright, it'll warm your heart, it'll make your eyes glisten, and it'll make you think to yourselves: Robin Williams, what a concept.
In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown.
The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.
Nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.
Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.
I've always thought that the key to a good sex life is variety.
That's why God gave me two hands. Humans love sex, we need sex, it's how we connect, it reminds us we're alive, it's the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.
Good news, they found Nemo! The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck's puff pastries.
It's money. I remember it from when I was single
It is better to look good than to feel good.
I don't like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.
A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.
Gentlemen, start your egos!
Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much.
It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
I'm going to be your grandpa! / I have the biggest smile.
/ I've been waiting to meet you for such a long, long while.
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
I was a film-directing major at NYU. I'm still not sure why I became a directing major, when I was really an actor and a comedian, but there was something that drew me to doing that.
You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they're raising them. You can't push your way into areas where you shouldn't be saying anything. You have to always remember they're not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death - then hand them back.
I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.
Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.
I quit drinking. That was a big problem for a lot of years. Then after that, I just started feeling grateful again.
The Passion of the Christ opened up on Ash Wednesday, had a Good Friday.
I didn't rebel as a child. I missed that angry teenager thing.
When you realize you want to invest the rest of your lifestyle with somebody, you want the rest of your life to commence as quickly as achievable.
I'd like to think there is a Heaven, and it starts from the happiest day in your life.
Don't give up your power.
I love doing it [hosting the Oscars] because I love the danger of it and you have to come through and think on your feet. That's why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something.
I used to limp around my neighborhood imitating him. I did my Bar Mitzvah with an Oklahoma drawl.
Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.
Since I was a kid, every Thanksgiving growing up in New York, we always watched 'The March of the Wooden Soldiers' by Laurel and Hardy. Never miss it.
At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are.
I always was a performer, from the time I was little. It was always a natural place for me to be.
The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh.
I think when I feel I'm at my best is when I'm on stage, and it's my version of jazz because it's just riffing or something.
I always came away thinking "I'd like to see her more," you know? And then when [Parental Guidance] was ready to be cast, we thought - Bette [Midler]. So we called her.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
I'm a sucker for a free tuxedo.
I have 40-something intros [that Davis Jr.
did]; all are different, none of them happened. And it was hilarious.
Despite what The Wall Street Journal says, our awards are the best-kept secret in America, with the possible exception of what George W. Bush did in the '70s.
I'm married - I've caught my limit.
Great news! Hosting Oscars counts five hours toward my community service!
Kids need a happy household. They need to be loved and supported in their dreams. And I don't think you can make your kids' dreams your own. They need you to support them in their dreams.
When we had the girls, my daughter Jenny gave us like a Bible from my daughter of, "Don't feed them this; don't feed them that, if she says this, don't say that," It was crazy!
I was introducing [director and producer] Hal Roach - Mr.
Roach was 100 years old, he was one of the fathers of early days in films, he put Laurel with Hardy, he created the Our Gang kids, and all these silent movies he did - he was a giant.
I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.