Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.— Dennis Miller
The most delighting Dennis Miller quotes that will transform you to a better person
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner.
Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.
There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.
And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians.
Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.
It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.
A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous.
As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.
My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.
They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.
The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.
I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.
TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.
And I know your next move, I watch you so much, 'There's been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!' Come on. They both think we're Satan. Isn't that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial?
The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.
I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.
I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market.
And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.
The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don't see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments.
Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.
We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.
Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity.
... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy.
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me.
Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that 'Bush is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage.
Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
I cannot tell you how proud watching that [Iraqi] war coverage makes me.
I know a lot of people are saying that they think that it's, that you know what we're doing is imperialistic. I watch the way we handle ourselves over there and I've never felt more patriotic in my life.
There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.