110+ Dennis Miller Quotes On Politics, And Management And Death

Dennis Miller was an American stand-up comedian, talk show host, political commentator, and actor. He was a cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1985 to 1991, and hosted a string of his own talk shows on HBO, CNBC, and in syndication. Miller also hosted the game show "The Millionaire" from 1999 to 2002. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Dennis Miller on politics, leadership, leadership and management.

Top 10 Dennis Miller Quotes

1. Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
2. The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
3. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
4. Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
5. Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
6. Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.
7. There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.
8. It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.
9. There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
10. The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Dennis Miller Short Quotes

• Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
• A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
• Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.
• American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.
• The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.
• The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.
• I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
• I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.
• How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.
• The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.

Dennis Miller Quotes About Politics

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong. — Dennis Miller

I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless. — Dennis Miller

The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in. — Dennis Miller

And I know your next move, I watch you so much, 'There's been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!' Come on. They both think we're Satan. Isn't that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial? — Dennis Miller

I cannot tell you how proud watching that [Iraqi] war coverage makes me. I know a lot of people are saying that they think that it's, that you know what we're doing is imperialistic. I watch the way we handle ourselves over there and I've never felt more patriotic in my life. — Dennis Miller

The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that 'Bush is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler. — Dennis Miller

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George. — Dennis Miller

Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism. — Dennis Miller

Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator — Dennis Miller

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark. — Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller Quotes About Love

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love. — Dennis Miller

If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka. — Dennis Miller

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh. — Dennis Miller

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to. — Dennis Miller

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix. — Dennis Miller

Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in. — Dennis Miller

I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son. — Dennis Miller

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. — Dennis Miller

After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things -- first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms.. both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in. — Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller Quotes About Life

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? — Dennis Miller

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. — Dennis Miller

The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends. — Dennis Miller

The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do. — Dennis Miller

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film. — Dennis Miller

The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should - that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics. — Dennis Miller

Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don't refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us laugh is a mystery - an involuntary response. — Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller Quotes About White

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. — Dennis Miller

The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn't get any work done. — Dennis Miller

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. — Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller Quotes About Bush

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. — Dennis Miller

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh? — Dennis Miller

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. — Dennis Miller

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. — Dennis Miller

The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew. — Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller Quotes About Funny

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? — Dennis Miller

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche. — Dennis Miller

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error. — Dennis Miller

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie. — Dennis Miller

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance. — Dennis Miller

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club. — Dennis Miller

I'd rather be funny than wise. — Dennis Miller

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head. — Dennis Miller

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs. — Dennis Miller

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch. — Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller Quotes About People

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee. — Dennis Miller

Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me. — Dennis Miller

There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free. — Dennis Miller

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth. — Dennis Miller

Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane. — Dennis Miller

I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you. — Dennis Miller

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. — Dennis Miller

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.' — Dennis Miller

Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them. — Dennis Miller

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. — Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller Famous Quotes And Sayings

Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar. — Dennis Miller

A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us. — Dennis Miller

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport. — Dennis Miller

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. — Dennis Miller

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel. — Dennis Miller

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow. — Dennis Miller

I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip. — Dennis Miller

TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties. — Dennis Miller

The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don't see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments. — Dennis Miller

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market. — Dennis Miller

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me. — Dennis Miller

We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep. — Dennis Miller

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. — Dennis Miller

Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy. — Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. — Dennis Miller

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel. — Dennis Miller

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber. — Dennis Miller

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. — Dennis Miller

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. — Dennis Miller

Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. — Dennis Miller

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave. — Dennis Miller

I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment. — Dennis Miller

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party. — Dennis Miller

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down." — Dennis Miller

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks. — Dennis Miller

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. — Dennis Miller

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to. — Dennis Miller

If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago. — Dennis Miller

With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table. — Dennis Miller

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. — Dennis Miller

He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house. — Dennis Miller

I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac. — Dennis Miller

I rant, therefore I am. — Dennis Miller

The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world is Hitler. Bush is Hitler, Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler. The only guy who isn't Hitler is the foreign guy with a mustache dropping people who disagree with him into the wood chipper. He's not Hitler. — Dennis Miller

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion — Dennis Miller

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort. — Dennis Miller

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours. — Dennis Miller

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet. — Dennis Miller

It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone. — Dennis Miller

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger. — Dennis Miller

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. — Dennis Miller

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays? — Dennis Miller

Technology is fine. . ., but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good. — Dennis Miller

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago. — Dennis Miller

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods. — Dennis Miller

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes! — Dennis Miller

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target? — Dennis Miller

When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell. — Dennis Miller

I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference. — Dennis Miller

Childbirth is a wonderful thing, but the reality is that it can dramatically change a woman's body. SUI occurs when the vaginal wall weakens and cannot provide adequate support to the urethra, thus causing leaking. The good news is that women with SUI have many different treatment options available to them. — Dennis Miller

If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great. — Dennis Miller

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides? — Dennis Miller

I've changed after 9/11. My friends are still my friends.Bill Maher is my friend. I don't agree with a lot of what he says. And there are times I think, "Oh, my God. How could he say that." — Dennis Miller

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed. — Dennis Miller

I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer. — Dennis Miller

Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians. — Dennis Miller

When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy. — Dennis Miller

That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts? — Dennis Miller

That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO. — Dennis Miller

Life Lessons by Dennis Miller

1. Dennis Miller teaches us to always stay true to ourselves and to never be afraid to express our opinions. He also emphasizes the importance of staying informed and being aware of current events and news. Lastly, he encourages us to take life less seriously and to enjoy the little things in life.