Norm MacDonald Quotes

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show.

The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog.

.. The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died.

And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating.

Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another;

but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

We advise others better than ourselves.

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?

I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable felicity; but he, who trusts entirely to the world for the disposition of his peace, must inevitably participate [in] many privations and disappointments.

Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.

I guess [Richard] Pryor was that good. I never saw him in a theater, but I imagine he was that good, because he was such a phenomenal actor.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!