110+ Norm MacDonald Quotes On Death, Comedic And Dry

Norm MacDonald is a Canadian actor, comedian, and writer. He is best known for his five seasons as a cast member on Saturday Night Live, as well as for his work on the sitcoms The Norm Show and NewsRadio. He is also known for his stand-up comedy, including his Netflix special Norm MacDonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Norm MacDonald on love, life, death.

Top 10 Norm MacDonald Quotes

1. They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
2. Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
3. Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
4. Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
5. When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
6. You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
7. The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
8. I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
9. My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
10. The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

Norm MacDonald Short Quotes

• We advise others better than ourselves.
• Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
• Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
• Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
• Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.
• Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
• The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.
• We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.
• I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
• Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

Norm MacDonald Quotes About Love

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?' — Norm MacDonald

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love. — Norm MacDonald

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones. — Norm MacDonald

I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world. — Norm MacDonald

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated. — Norm MacDonald

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl. — Norm MacDonald

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart. — Norm MacDonald

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser. — Norm MacDonald

Few people love with the violence they hate. — Norm MacDonald

In love, we are best pleased when we please others. — Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald Quotes About Life

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh? — Norm MacDonald

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone. — Norm MacDonald

Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life. — Norm MacDonald

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape. — Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald Quotes About Funny

My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters! — Norm MacDonald

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. — Norm MacDonald

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part. — Norm MacDonald

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away. — Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald Quotes About People

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating. — Norm MacDonald

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile. — Norm MacDonald

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise. — Norm MacDonald

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain. — Norm MacDonald

It is the folly of weak-minded people, to imagine they are what flattery or conceit represents them; and that it is useless for them to be what they are not, since they seem already to have acquired the reputation of it. — Norm MacDonald

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid. — Norm MacDonald

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here! — Norm MacDonald

I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people. — Norm MacDonald

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite. — Norm MacDonald

A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy. — Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald Quotes About Jokes

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude. — Norm MacDonald

I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing. If I could make the setup and the punchline identical to each other, I would create a different kind of joke. — Norm MacDonald

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke. — Norm MacDonald

I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone. — Norm MacDonald

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke. — Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald Famous Quotes And Sayings

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed. — Norm MacDonald

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools. — Norm MacDonald

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here. — Norm MacDonald

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion. — Norm MacDonald

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières. — Norm MacDonald

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose. — Norm MacDonald

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation. — Norm MacDonald

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay. — Norm MacDonald

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them. — Norm MacDonald

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it. — Norm MacDonald

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then. — Norm MacDonald

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys. — Norm MacDonald

The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do. — Norm MacDonald

Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable felicity; but he, who trusts entirely to the world for the disposition of his peace, must inevitably participate [in] many privations and disappointments. — Norm MacDonald

Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex. — Norm MacDonald

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins. — Norm MacDonald

I guess [Richard] Pryor was that good. I never saw him in a theater, but I imagine he was that good, because he was such a phenomenal actor. — Norm MacDonald

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing! — Norm MacDonald

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals. — Norm MacDonald

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity. — Norm MacDonald

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise. — Norm MacDonald

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish. — Norm MacDonald

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us. — Norm MacDonald

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence. — Norm MacDonald

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap! — Norm MacDonald

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart. — Norm MacDonald

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible. — Norm MacDonald

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it. — Norm MacDonald

There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none. — Norm MacDonald

It is better to be idle than employed in ill. — Norm MacDonald

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship. — Norm MacDonald

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways. — Norm MacDonald

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity. — Norm MacDonald

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up. — Norm MacDonald

In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness. — Norm MacDonald

We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations. — Norm MacDonald

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it. — Norm MacDonald

Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious. — Norm MacDonald

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading. — Norm MacDonald

[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb]. — Norm MacDonald

I don't have to meet actors. I'm really blessed that I don't have to do all that horseshit. — Norm MacDonald

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them. — Norm MacDonald

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation. — Norm MacDonald

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers. — Norm MacDonald

It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, "How would you like to be a horrible actor?" Then you say, "All right, that sounds good. I'll do that." — Norm MacDonald

[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film. — Norm MacDonald

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'. — Norm MacDonald

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood. — Norm MacDonald

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning. — Norm MacDonald

I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something. — Norm MacDonald

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy. — Norm MacDonald

They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence. — Norm MacDonald

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends. — Norm MacDonald

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others. — Norm MacDonald

Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment. — Norm MacDonald

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him. — Norm MacDonald

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong. — Norm MacDonald

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know? — Norm MacDonald

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time. — Norm MacDonald

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really. — Norm MacDonald

There's no show business in Canada, so everybody just did stand-up and we all thought, "Oh, we'll just keep doing stand-up." And then I'm like, "There's more work in the States." — Norm MacDonald

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet. — Norm MacDonald

I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him. — Norm MacDonald

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that. — Norm MacDonald

Life Lessons by Norm MacDonald

1. Norm MacDonald has taught us that hard work and dedication can lead to success in any field. He has also shown us that it is possible to remain humble and kind even when achieving great things. Lastly, Norm MacDonald has demonstrated that a sense of humour is essential to staying positive and motivated in life.