Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.— Mort Sahl
The most successful Mort Sahl quotes that are life-changing and eye-opening
There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.
There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock.
In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.
This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
Most people past college age are not atheists.
It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.
You haven't lived until you've died in California
The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department.
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
The bravest thing that men do is love women.
I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance.
With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?
I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS.
My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.
Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience.
Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?
Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.
You know me, I love lost causes.
My life needs editing.
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.
New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed.
Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor.
They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.
There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.
A political satirist's job is to draw blood.
I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.
There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!
The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.
Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.
Hillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?
Will Rogers…used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with a newspaper and pretend I’m an intellectual making fun of the yokels running the government.
Obama is running again for spite.
When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!
you don't know what you think unless you say it.
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.
I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical!
A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time;
a liberal feels it should happen, but not now.
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago.
Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.