Pat Paulsen Quotes

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations.

The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics.

Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?

In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.

If elected, I will win.

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.

It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn't make me a candidate.

I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off.

Many of you have asked why it's taken me so long to select a running mate.

I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I'm going to reach in and grab a woman!

A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?

Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.

I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar.

Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.

Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.

People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'

I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate.

Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man.

The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.

Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation.

Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

I don't need adult supervision.

I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing.

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.

As I've always said: The future lies ahead.

Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'

In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.

The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon.

I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.

They said I ignored the drug problem.

Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!

I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job.

Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?

In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.

Yeah, I'm running for the White House again.

Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.

Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.

Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.

I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with.

Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'