What are the best Emo Philips quotes?

Accurate and famous quotes by Emo Philips about way, night, asked, little, funny. Emo Philips is well-known American comedian with many wise quotes. You can read the best of all time and enjoy Top 10 lists. Share the best Emo Philips sayings with your friends and family.

  1. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

  2. Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

  3. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

  4. The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

  5. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

  6. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

  7. My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

  8. People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

  9. I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

  10. I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

  11. Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

  12. In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

  13. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

  14. I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

  15. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

    • funny

  16. Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

  17. My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

  18. When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

  19. I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

  20. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

    • funny

  21. Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

  22. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

  23. You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

  24. Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

  25. I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

  26. I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

  27. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  28. I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

  29. I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

  30. I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

  31. England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

  32. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

  33. He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

  34. I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

  35. At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

  36. I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

    • blanks

  37. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

  38. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Top 10 quotes by Emo Philips

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Emo Philips image quotes

What are the best Emo Philips images quotes? Read and bookmark finest sayings from Emo Philips, embed as quotes on beautiful images. Those images have way quotes, night quotes, asked quotes, little quotes, funny quotes.

That are top sayings from Emo Philips as picture quotes. Access more quotations by Emo Philips with images on Pinterest.

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About Emo Philips

Where is Emo Philips from? Emo Philips is American who said awesome wise words. Well-known and respected in American society for wise sayings. The following quotations and images represent the American nature embed in Emo Philips's character.

What Emo Philips was famous for? Emo Philips is famous comedian with many good quotes. Influential and well recognized comedian all over the world. Browse a lot of Emo Philips books and reference books with quotes from Emo Philips on Amazon.

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Comedians similar to Emo Philips

Which comedian has the best quotes? Top quotes from famous comedians like the following.

Emo Philips favorite topics

Emo Philips is famous for his passion about way, night, asked, little, funny. Check out great quotations and affirmations on these topics.


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When was Emo Philips birthday? Emo Philips was born on February 7, 1956.

Who is Emo Philips? Some facts about Emo Philips from biography. Emo Philips is an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a ... Read more about Emo Philips on Wikipedia or watch videos with quotes from Emo Philips on YouTube. Browse a lot of books about Emo Philips on Amazon to get more reference.


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