110+ Emo Philips Quotes On Surreal, Absurd And Witty

Emo Philips is an American comedian, actor, and voice actor. He is known for his surreal, often self-deprecating humor. He is known for his eccentric appearance and delivery, which often includes a high-pitched, nasally voice and a mop of wild hair. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Emo Philips on life, love, surreal.

Top 10 Emo Philips Quotes

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
3. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
4. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
5. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
6. My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
7. My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
8. I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
9. I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
10. I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Emo Philips Image Quotes

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. — Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. — Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. — Emo Philips

Emo Philips Short Quotes

• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
• The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
• I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
• Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.
• Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
• My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
• My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
• I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

Emo Philips Quotes About Life

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before". — Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. — Emo Philips

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby. — Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. — Emo Philips

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad. — Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. — Emo Philips

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize. — Emo Philips

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years. — Emo Philips

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won. — Emo Philips

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me. — Emo Philips

Emo Philips Quotes About Love

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service. — Emo Philips

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills. — Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. — Emo Philips

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. — Emo Philips

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks. — Emo Philips

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine. — Emo Philips

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo. — Emo Philips

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. — Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. — Emo Philips

Emo Philips Quotes About Night

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. — Emo Philips

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic". — Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. — Emo Philips

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements. — Emo Philips

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. — Emo Philips

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week. — Emo Philips

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that". — Emo Philips

Emo Philips Quotes About Asked

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' — Emo Philips

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy. — Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. — Emo Philips

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked. — Emo Philips

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi. — Emo Philips

Emo Philips Quotes About Beat

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. — Emo Philips

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage. — Emo Philips

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family. — Emo Philips

Emo Philips Quotes About Funny

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?' — Emo Philips

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. — Emo Philips

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. — Emo Philips

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. — Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. — Emo Philips

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' — Emo Philips

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. — Emo Philips

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. — Emo Philips

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him. — Emo Philips

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. — Emo Philips

Emo Philips Famous Quotes And Sayings

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.” — Emo Philips

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. — Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. — Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. — Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. — Emo Philips

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer. — Emo Philips

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him. — Emo Philips

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others. — Emo Philips

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code. — Emo Philips

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. — Emo Philips

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now. — Emo Philips

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. — Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. — Emo Philips

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. — Emo Philips

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?' — Emo Philips

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy. — Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. — Emo Philips

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves? — Emo Philips

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository. — Emo Philips

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us. — Emo Philips

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell. — Emo Philips

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen. — Emo Philips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference. — Emo Philips

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour. — Emo Philips

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding. — Emo Philips

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. — Emo Philips

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment. — Emo Philips

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats. — Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. — Emo Philips

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. — Emo Philips

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs? — Emo Philips

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child. — Emo Philips

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny. — Emo Philips

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy. — Emo Philips

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back. — Emo Philips

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls. — Emo Philips

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?' — Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun. — Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" — Emo Philips

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home. — Emo Philips

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much! — Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet. — Emo Philips

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back. — Emo Philips

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again. — Emo Philips

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important. — Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. — Emo Philips

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment. — Emo Philips

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever. — Emo Philips

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy. — Emo Philips

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead. — Emo Philips

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill. — Emo Philips

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax. — Emo Philips

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo. — Emo Philips

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster. — Emo Philips

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..." — Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips

Life Lessons by Emo Philips

1. Emo Philips teaches us to always be ourselves and not to take life too seriously. He encourages us to laugh at ourselves and to be open to different perspectives.
2. He reminds us to be kind and to be grateful for the small things in life, no matter how difficult things may seem.
3. Emo Philips also teaches us to be creative and to think outside the box, as well as to never give up on our dreams.