I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.— Emo Philips
The most sentimental Emo Philips quotes that are free to learn and impress others
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I pray a simple prayer every morning.
It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
I took my grandmother to the emergency room.
The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I've learned that you can't make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.
Then I realized who was telling me this.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace.
Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails.
Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.
I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.