Evan Esar Quotes

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait.

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.

Anger is a feeling that makes you mouth faster than your mind

You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.

There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.

A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

Experience is a great teacher, and sometimes a pretty teacher is a great experience.

If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the envious with erasers.

Hindsight is good, foresight is better; but second sight is best of all.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts.

If you want to be successful, you must either have a chance or take one.

In a democracy, you believe it or not; in a dictatorship, you believe it or else.

Egocentricity: The vanity that makes you wonder what people are thinking about you when they are really wondering what you are thinking about them.

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

A word to the wise is -- unnecessary.

Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy;

compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy.

Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.

The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple.

There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window.

The lazy man claims he is too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.

Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn't fit.

The most popular form of altruism is giving to others the advice you cannot use yourself.

Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

Consistency is a jewel, but too much jewelry is vulgar.

A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.

[A mathematician is a] scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.

You can't judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him.

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery--amputation at the neck.