110+ Billy Connolly Quotes On Age, Marriage And Laughter

Billy Connolly was a Scottish comedian, musician and actor. He was known for his observational, often controversial comedy style and his unique delivery. He was also a successful actor, appearing in films such as Mrs. Brown and The Boondock Saints. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Billy Connolly on life, age, love.

Top 10 Billy Connolly Quotes

1. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
2. A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
3. So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
4. I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
5. I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
6. Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
7. I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
8. There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
9. A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
10. Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Billy Connolly Short Quotes

• Never trust anybody with only one book.
• Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
• Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
• I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
• Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
• Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
• Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
• Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
• Don't vote, it only encourages them.
• Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Billy Connolly Quotes About Life

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day. — Billy Connolly

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'. — Billy Connolly

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes. — Billy Connolly

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men. — Billy Connolly

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one. — Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Quotes About Love

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started. — Billy Connolly

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days. — Billy Connolly

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know. — Billy Connolly

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline. — Billy Connolly

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place. — Billy Connolly

I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world. — Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Quotes About Glasgow

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. — Billy Connolly

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight. — Billy Connolly

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow. — Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Quotes About Funny

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else" — Billy Connolly

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? — Billy Connolly

A fart is just your arse applauding. — Billy Connolly

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days. — Billy Connolly

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring. — Billy Connolly

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!! — Billy Connolly

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there. — Billy Connolly

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? — Billy Connolly

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack. — Billy Connolly

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. — Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Quotes About People

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered. — Billy Connolly

Never trust people who've only got one book. — Billy Connolly

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended. — Billy Connolly

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries. — Billy Connolly

There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage. — Billy Connolly

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. — Billy Connolly

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from. — Billy Connolly

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research. — Billy Connolly

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do. — Billy Connolly

When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? — Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Quotes About Audience

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten. — Billy Connolly

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here. — Billy Connolly

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying. — Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Quotes About Speak

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything. — Billy Connolly

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little. — Billy Connolly

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time. — Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Famous Quotes And Sayings

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue. — Billy Connolly

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us? — Billy Connolly

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's. — Billy Connolly

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing. — Billy Connolly

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass? — Billy Connolly

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away. — Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. — Billy Connolly

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket." — Billy Connolly

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly — Billy Connolly

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead. — Billy Connolly

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce. — Billy Connolly

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over! — Billy Connolly

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is. — Billy Connolly

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. — Billy Connolly

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie. — Billy Connolly

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up. — Billy Connolly

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing. — Billy Connolly

I don't aim to offend. — Billy Connolly

Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes. — Billy Connolly

Don't die until you're dead. — Billy Connolly

Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya. — Billy Connolly

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one. — Billy Connolly

I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got. — Billy Connolly

Try to live in a place you like. — Billy Connolly

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog. — Billy Connolly

I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up. — Billy Connolly

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen. — Billy Connolly

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. — Billy Connolly

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think. — Billy Connolly

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. — Billy Connolly

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question. — Billy Connolly

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease. — Billy Connolly

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket. — Billy Connolly

I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.". — Billy Connolly

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television. — Billy Connolly

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie! — Billy Connolly

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve". — Billy Connolly

The more you know the less the better. — Billy Connolly

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words. — Billy Connolly

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me. — Billy Connolly

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace. — Billy Connolly

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. — Billy Connolly

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like. — Billy Connolly

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt. — Billy Connolly

Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique. — Billy Connolly

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong. — Billy Connolly

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. — Billy Connolly

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather. — Billy Connolly

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???' — Billy Connolly

If you give people a chance, they shine. — Billy Connolly

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home. — Billy Connolly

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was. — Billy Connolly

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes. — Billy Connolly

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist. — Billy Connolly

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with. — Billy Connolly

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed. — Billy Connolly

Life Lessons by Billy Connolly

1. Billy Connolly taught us to be brave and never be afraid to take risks. He showed us that it's ok to be different and to embrace our unique personalities. He also reminded us to never take life too seriously and to always find joy in the little things.