Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!— Billy Connolly
The most off-limits Billy Connolly quotes that are life-changing and eye-opening
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag;
even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
Never trust anybody with only one book.
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather.
There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Never trust people who've only got one book.
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here?
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways.
I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly
I've never done a comedy club in my life.
It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be.
. . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
A fart is just your arse applauding.
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
A lot of people are too easily offended.
Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.