Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.— Tommy Cooper
The most cheerful Tommy Cooper quotes to get the best of your day
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.
' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.
' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.
'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
Man went into a bar, he only had one arm.
Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.