I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.— Sam Kinison
The most restlessness Sam Kinison quotes that will activate your inner potential
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.
It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!
I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good.
Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.
How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.
Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?
Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it.
And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.
With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.
' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'
In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.
So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.
Ive never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.
What happened? Satan was busy?
You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!
It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.
You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.
The Russians haven't been to the moon.
You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!
Everything can be satirized.
Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.
If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.
I'd rather entertain people than offend them.
I'm attracted to heartbreakers.
Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"