102+ Adam Carolla Quotes On Politics, Marriage And Relationships

Adam Carolla is an American comedian, radio personality, television host, actor, podcaster, and director. He is best known for hosting the radio show The Adam Carolla Show and the television programs The Man Show and Loveline. He is also the co-host of the podcast The Adam and Dr. Drew Show and the current host of the game show The Wall on NBC. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Adam Carolla on politics, life, marriage.

Top 10 Adam Carolla Quotes

1. Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
2. When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
3. If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
4. Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
5. When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.
6. I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
7. Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
8. I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
9. People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
10. Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Adam Carolla Short Quotes

• Welfare is monetary methadone.
• Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
• The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.
• The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
• I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.
• People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
• My motto is "more mystery, less history".
• I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.
• I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
• People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

Adam Carolla Quotes About Life

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road. — Adam Carolla

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not. — Adam Carolla

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars. — Adam Carolla

Life is just the time between crapping yourself. — Adam Carolla

Adam Carolla Quotes About Love

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you. — Adam Carolla

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing. — Adam Carolla

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women. — Adam Carolla

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car. — Adam Carolla

Adam Carolla Quotes About Humorous

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian. — Adam Carolla

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that. — Adam Carolla

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating. — Adam Carolla

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy! — Adam Carolla

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever? — Adam Carolla

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed. — Adam Carolla

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13. — Adam Carolla

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something. — Adam Carolla

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of. — Adam Carolla

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle. — Adam Carolla

Adam Carolla Famous Quotes And Sayings

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why. — Adam Carolla

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live. — Adam Carolla

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food. — Adam Carolla

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge. — Adam Carolla

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with. — Adam Carolla

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel. — Adam Carolla

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go. — Adam Carolla

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior. — Adam Carolla

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart. — Adam Carolla

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it. — Adam Carolla

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants. — Adam Carolla

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it. — Adam Carolla

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs. — Adam Carolla

There are certain things women are better at than men. — Adam Carolla

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes. — Adam Carolla

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave. — Adam Carolla

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome. — Adam Carolla

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do. — Adam Carolla

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed. — Adam Carolla

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality. — Adam Carolla

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated. — Adam Carolla

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place. — Adam Carolla

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around. — Adam Carolla

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself. — Adam Carolla

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex. — Adam Carolla

I'd never hurt another person. — Adam Carolla

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck. — Adam Carolla

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine. — Adam Carolla

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person. — Adam Carolla

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff. — Adam Carolla

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican. — Adam Carolla

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust. — Adam Carolla

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis! — Adam Carolla

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care. — Adam Carolla

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible. — Adam Carolla

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was? — Adam Carolla

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear. — Adam Carolla

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid. — Adam Carolla

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you. — Adam Carolla

Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist! — Adam Carolla

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing. — Adam Carolla

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings. — Adam Carolla

Figure out what to do, then take a nap. — Adam Carolla

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself. — Adam Carolla

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month. — Adam Carolla

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing. — Adam Carolla

I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee. — Adam Carolla

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. — Adam Carolla

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name? — Adam Carolla

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian. — Adam Carolla

I'm a comedian, not a politician. — Adam Carolla

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting. — Adam Carolla

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains. — Adam Carolla

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show. — Adam Carolla

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay. — Adam Carolla

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care. — Adam Carolla

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.' — Adam Carolla

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers. — Adam Carolla

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything. — Adam Carolla

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do. — Adam Carolla

Don’t do your best, do my best. — Adam Carolla

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. — Adam Carolla

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself. — Adam Carolla

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make. — Adam Carolla

Life Lessons by Adam Carolla

1. Adam Carolla teaches us that hard work, dedication, and resilience are key to success. He has shown us that it is possible to turn your passions into a career, no matter where you start from.
2. He also teaches us the importance of having a positive attitude and staying focused on what you want to achieve. He has shown us that it is possible to make something of yourself, even when the odds are against you.
3. Lastly, Adam Carolla has demonstrated that it is possible to make a living doing something you love. He has shown us that it is possible to turn your passion into a career, and that success is achievable if you are willing to put in the work.