Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

โ€” Adam Carolla

The most informative Adam Carolla quotes that are simple and will have a huge impact on you

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

17

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

14

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

14

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

12

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

12

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

12

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea.

You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

6

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

5

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save.

It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

5

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza.

Those are the two things I've never left behind.

5

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

5

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

5

About Adam Carolla

Quotes 102 sayings
Profession Comedian
Birthday May 27, 1964

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke.

I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

4

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

3

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

3

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now.

That was a nice visual while I was eating.

3

Welfare is monetary methadone.

3

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life.

So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

3

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

3

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

3

It should be like a salmon taking to open water.

I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

3

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

2

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

2

That's an interesting philosophical question.

When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

2

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit.

You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

1

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

1

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

1

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

1

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

1

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli.

If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

1

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

1

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.

1

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13.

White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

1

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

1

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

0

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

0

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments.

Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

0

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

0

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

0

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

0

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

0

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

0

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

0

I like my parents but they are just not good parents.

They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

0

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

0

Donโ€™t do your best, do my best.

0

To make something, you have to work within your abilities.

Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.

0

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

0

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

0