Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.— Artie Lange
The most emotional Artie Lange quotes that will add value to your life
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota
I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.
My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?
Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on.
Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane.
Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust
Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.
It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.
I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.
I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.
But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that
I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking
Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .
. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.
All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.
I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.
Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.
If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.
Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.
Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.
It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.
I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote.
I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.
I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV.
I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.
You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.