When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my 'Oh No Nos.' If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don't even know who Ginuwine is.— Aziz Ansari
The most killer Aziz Ansari quotes that may be undiscovered and unusual
I just didn’t want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.
' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else.
Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.
I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.
I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.
Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired.
I spend so much time on the Internet.
..I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much;
it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.
Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.
At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails.
Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat.
And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.
When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour.
I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.
I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.
Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.
No one's trying to get with jugglers.
What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday.
Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.
Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
One of my life goals is to be a best man.
It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing from behind.
You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty.
If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.
You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
I think when people talk about improvising it turns into this silly thing like, "Oh there's like a hula hoop there and I'm like 'Oh what's going on here? Is this a really big ring?'"
Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig.
If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw.
If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that thou mayest become somebody.
I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc.
so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian.
So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco.
Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.
When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.
Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.
I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots.
Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba!
A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.
I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them.
Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay.
I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious.
Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.
Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
You don't know Jay-Z's scedule. He's a renaissance man.
I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.
I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.
I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.
I never had the desire to be a professional Twitterer.
Every now and then something dumb pops into my head and I'll tweet it. I don't feel any obligation to respond to everyone. Not that I don't appreciate people sending me messages on there, but there are too many. Responding to everyone would take away time for all the stuff I'm actually in the business for.
The four sweetest words in the English language — 'You wore me down.'