110+ Eddie Izzard Quotes (Funny, Surreal And Witty)

Eddie Izzard is a British stand-up comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his surreal and observational comedy style, often containing references to philosophy, religion and current events. He has also appeared in films, television shows and stage plays, and is renowned for his charity work.

Top 10 Eddie Izzard Quotes

1. Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.
2. Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
3. I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
4. I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
5. I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
6. I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.
7. Never put a sock in a toaster.
8. If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.
9. Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it.
10. Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

Eddie Izzard Short Quotes

• We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.
• And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
• But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!
• You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
• Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.
• Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
• Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?
• They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'
• America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.
• The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.

Eddie Izzard Famous Quotes And Sayings

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That's pretty good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance. — Eddie Izzard

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" — Eddie Izzard

There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity. — Eddie Izzard

Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there's arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War. — Eddie Izzard

He [Charlie Chaplin] was always playing as if it were to the camera, if you've seen the live shots of him when he's going to an opening night or something like that. And the skills that he had were beyond my ability to throw together. You just couldn't really compete with him. He was too athletic at that. — Eddie Izzard

Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up. — Eddie Izzard

I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible. — Eddie Izzard

I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight. — Eddie Izzard

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine. — Eddie Izzard

If you think about determination, if people have a heart and are determined, they can get to that place. But there are a lot of negative people who were enormously determined. All the Nazis were determined. They wanted to murder everyone. Everyone with a bad heart, who doesn't care about people, I wish they hadn't started. — Eddie Izzard

When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'. — Eddie Izzard

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran.' — Eddie Izzard

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for f-k all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard. — Eddie Izzard

I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress. — Eddie Izzard

All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can. — Eddie Izzard

The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh... I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them. — Eddie Izzard

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel! — Eddie Izzard

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps. — Eddie Izzard

I am someone who's very positive about business, as a social Democrat. I do like the safety net of the welfare system and people setting things and creating business, and that's what I try to do with my own work: export it around the world from the U.K. — Eddie Izzard

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there! — Eddie Izzard

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. — Eddie Izzard

It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans... but the Hungarians are pissing us off. — Eddie Izzard

I remember when I was being told about Watergate, and I thought, "Oh, America is not what I think America is." But America is what I think it is. It's just that it's two bits of it, and I don't go with the Republican bit of it. I go more with the Democratic bit. — Eddie Izzard

When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities." — Eddie Izzard

I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. — Eddie Izzard

Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." — Eddie Izzard

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back. — Eddie Izzard

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death. — Eddie Izzard

It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries. — Eddie Izzard

How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive. — Eddie Izzard

Comedy is like a very cokey, druggy sugar. You get hits of comedy, and it's very, "More, give me more of that stuff," because serotonin is being released in the brain. So it's basically, everyone becomes serotonin junkies, and we are serotonin dealers. And that's what being a comedian is about. — Eddie Izzard

I'm a one-man idiot. — Eddie Izzard

Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke. — Eddie Izzard

In the UK a lot of people don't like to try. There's a different cultural thing. Here [in USA] if you try and fail, you get up again and start again and keep going. People respect you for it. Even if you keep failing, they respect the tenacity. — Eddie Izzard

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then." — Eddie Izzard

I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way. — Eddie Izzard

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete! — Eddie Izzard

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. — Eddie Izzard

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words. — Eddie Izzard

My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't. — Eddie Izzard

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird." — Eddie Izzard

No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?" — Eddie Izzard

You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it! — Eddie Izzard

You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe. — Eddie Izzard

I want to live till I die. No more, no less. — Eddie Izzard

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them. — Eddie Izzard

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever. — Eddie Izzard

Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU! — Eddie Izzard

Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook! — Eddie Izzard

I'm an Action Transvestite. — Eddie Izzard

You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO! — Eddie Izzard

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them. — Eddie Izzard

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't! — Eddie Izzard

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better. — Eddie Izzard

People still talk about a British sense of humour, or French slapstick or how the Germans have no sense of humour - and it's just rubbish. I do strongly feel that we are all the bloody same. — Eddie Izzard

What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?! — Eddie Izzard

When I was seven, I said, "I want to act." When I was 10, I realized that films exist, and I wanted to be in them. Not a comedian, I wanted to be a dramatic actor. Films just seemed such fun, and like such a great thing to do. — Eddie Izzard

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. — Eddie Izzard

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in? — Eddie Izzard

Drag for me is costume, and what I'm trying to do is, sometimes I'll go around and wear makeup in the streets, turn up to the gig, take the makeup off, do the show, and then put the makeup back on. It's the inverse of drag. It's not about artifice. It's about me just expressing myself. So when I'm campaigning in London for politics, I campaign with makeup on and the nails. It's just what I have on, like any woman. — Eddie Izzard

Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up! — Eddie Izzard

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam! — Eddie Izzard

I don't believe that competitions are important. — Eddie Izzard

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read. — Eddie Izzard

If you're trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going to openings or doing the gossip column thing. I just decided to do gigs in French, German, Spanish, and in America. — Eddie Izzard

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support. — Eddie Izzard

Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized. — Eddie Izzard

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' " — Eddie Izzard

That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it? — Eddie Izzard

If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama. — Eddie Izzard

There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? — Eddie Izzard

When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people — Eddie Izzard

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you. — Eddie Izzard

You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT. — Eddie Izzard

Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.' — Eddie Izzard

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class? — Eddie Izzard

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God? — Eddie Izzard

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing. — Eddie Izzard

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 [gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You". — Eddie Izzard

If you're a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion. — Eddie Izzard

Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, Oh, would you like insurance? — Eddie Izzard

I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem! — Eddie Izzard

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry. — Eddie Izzard

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up! — Eddie Izzard

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it. — Eddie Izzard

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed! — Eddie Izzard

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here. — Eddie Izzard

My dad said, "As long as you're happy." I used to think it was kind of a very simple idea or philosophy because he wasn't religious. But you've got to try and be happy. And if you're not happy, you can't help anyone else. So obviously, some crazy people could go to places, but I just think you need to be content within yourself, so that's the thing. — Eddie Izzard

Cake and tea or death? — Eddie Izzard

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about? — Eddie Izzard

Life Lessons by Eddie Izzard

1. Eddie Izzard has taught us that hard work and dedication can lead to success, no matter what obstacles you may face.
2. He has also shown us that it is important to be true to yourself and to never give up on your dreams.
3. Finally, Eddie Izzard has demonstrated the power of humour to bring people together and to make difficult topics more accessible.