Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.— Eddie Izzard
The most craziest Eddie Izzard quotes that are guaranted to improve your brain
Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics.
OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That's pretty good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us.
So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.
Never put a sock in a toaster.
If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.
Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life.
I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it.
He [Charlie Chaplin] was always playing as if it were to the camera, if you've seen the live shots of him when he's going to an opening night or something like that. And the skills that he had were beyond my ability to throw together. You just couldn't really compete with him. He was too athletic at that.
Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there's arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.
There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity.
Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise.
And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.
Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know.
If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up.
I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand.
I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
I'm working on a speed boat at the moment.
Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
If you think about determination, if people have a heart and are determined, they can get to that place. But there are a lot of negative people who were enormously determined. All the Nazis were determined. They wanted to murder everyone. Everyone with a bad heart, who doesn't care about people, I wish they hadn't started.
We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.
Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran.'
So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for f-k all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
All humans can do more than they think they can do.
So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can.
I wear whatever I want whenever I want.
I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress.
The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh.
.. I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them.
America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.
I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!
The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.
They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'
Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
I am someone who's very positive about business, as a social Democrat.
I do like the safety net of the welfare system and people setting things and creating business, and that's what I try to do with my own work: export it around the world from the U.K.
It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French.
Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans... but the Hungarians are pissing us off.
So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.
When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations.
"I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."
I remember when I was being told about Watergate, and I thought, "Oh, America is not what I think America is." But America is what I think it is. It's just that it's two bits of it, and I don't go with the Republican bit of it. I go more with the Democratic bit.
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers.
Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette."
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.
In the UK a lot of people don't like to try.
There's a different cultural thing. Here [in USA] if you try and fail, you get up again and start again and keep going. People respect you for it. Even if you keep failing, they respect the tenacity.
Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates.
It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke.
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.