Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.— Karl Pilkington
The most bumbling Karl Pilkington quotes that are new and everybody is talking about
It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.
Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.
[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.
Happiness is like a cake. Have too much, and you get sick of it.
People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.
I've got loads of nieces and nephews.
You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey.
You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.
I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, 'Why are we here?' The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.
Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.
I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you.
I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.
It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.
Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.
They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this.
It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.
The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.
Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.
I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'
I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house.
Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.
I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.
I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.
If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.
Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men.
The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.
You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.
A dog has got human eyes.
it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats.
at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.
They do it in Thai restaurants in London.
You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.
I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like.
This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.
People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids.
But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?
Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.
And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.
As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.
I never buy a piece of art. I don't see the point in buying something because I know my eyes will get bored of it eventually.
I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized;
I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.
I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff.
There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it.
At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?
She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?
There is someone for everyone, i'nt there. That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think.
I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.
We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species...
If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic
The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.
I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.
In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert.
It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.
Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag.
It's not just the lowest point of the trip. It's the lowest point ever. In 38 years.
The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.
Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China.
It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'
Everyone is living for everyone else now.
They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.