I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.— Ricky Gervais
The most simplistic Ricky Gervais quotes that are glad to read
The existence of God is not subjective.
He either exists or he doesn’t. It’s not a matter of opinion. You can have your own opinions. But you can’t have your own facts.
Same sex marriage isn't gay privilege, it's equal rights.
Privilege would be something like gay people not paying taxes. Like churches don't.
It's better to create something that others criticise than to create nothing and criticise others. Go create, have fun!!
Good people do things for other people. Thats it. The end.
The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.
Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It's all we've got.
Telling someone with depression to pull themselves together is about as useful as telling someone with cancer to just stop having cancer
Be happy. It really annoys negative people.
Next time someone tells me they believe in God, I'll say 'Oh which one? Zeus? Hades? Jupiter? Mars? Odin? Thor? Krishna? Vishnu? Ra?...' If they say 'Just God. I only believe in the one God,' I'll point out that they are nearly as atheistic as me. I don't believe in 2,870 gods, and they don't believe in 2,869.
Suggesting I hate people with religion because I hate religion is like suggesting I hate people with cancer because I hate cancer.
I don't think it matters if there is a god or not.
I've met people who believe in God that are good and that are bad. And I've met people who don't believe in God that are good and that are bad. So, just be good. I'm good. Not cos I think I'll go to heaven but because when I do something bad, I feel bad. And when I do something good, I feel good.
If you enjoy seeing an animal terrified or in pain you are a cunt.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side!
We shouldn't even need the word 'atheism'.
If people didn't invent ridiculous imaginary gods, rational people wouldn't have to deny them.
A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
Beliefs don't change facts. Facts, if you're reasonable, should change your beliefs.
Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
Be happy. It really annoys negative people.
It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for.
It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.
We shouldn't even need the word "atheism". If people didn't invent ridiculous imaginary Gods., rational people wouldn't have to deny them.
I think doing something creative is the most important thing to me, and I think it's probably just good for the soul for anyone, whatever it is. You don't have to be a film director - you can do gardening or something - but I think everyone needs to create something.
Being on the edge isn't as safe, but the view is better
Your God is the best God. In fact, he's the only God. All other Gods are ridiculous, made up rubbish. Not yours though. Yours is real.
Blasphemy: a law to protect an all-powerful, supernatural deity from getting its feelings hurt.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
It annoys me that the burden of proof is on us.
It should be "You came up with the idea. Why do you believe it?" I could tell you I've got superpowers. But I can't go up to people saying "Prove I can't fly." They'd go: "What do you mean 'Prove you can't fly'? Prove you can!"
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Got a proper job at 28. Gave it up to try comedy at 38. Decided to get fit and healthy at 48. It's never too late. But do it now
I remember one review of The Office Christmas Special that compared it unfavourably to Dickens. What? You're saying I'm not as good as the greatest storyteller ever. Boo! Boo! I think I can live with that.
Everyday life is interesting enough, whether it be in an office or being ignored on the set of something supposedly more glamorous.
Some [people] are really smart. You know who you are. Some [people] are really thick. Unfortunately, you don't know who you are.
Wearing cosmetics that were tested on animals makes you ugly on the inside
It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: Breakfast.
I feel that a lot of British comedy is often too bombastic, too obvious, dressing up and shouting and pulling funny faces.
Being an atheist makes someone a clearer thinking, fairer person.
They [atheists] are not doing things to be rewarded in heaven; they're doing things because they're right, because they live by a moral code.
I've never done anything for the common consensus.
I do things to please me. If you are happy with something yourself, you become bulletproof.
We didn't evolve; God made us. So I just want to explain to you exactly how that happened... Some of the things you'll hear do sound a little bit far-fetched. I admit that. Then I found out that the other name for The Bible is The Gospel, so it is all true. Luckily, the clue is in the title.
America champions the underdog. We champion the underdog until he's not the underdog anymore, and he annoys us.
I'm quite squeamish, really. I'm philistine and unsophisticated - not because of my great discerning palate but other reasons. Some are moral grounds, some texture.
I always chose all my friends on whether they were funny.
What's a better way to pass the time than laughing or smiling?
I have to be excited, I have to have an adrenaline rush about doing something, or it bores me, I feel trapped.
If I do eat meat, it's got to be ethical.
I want to know that it lived a great life before it was killed humanely.
Someone asked me what three things I would save if my house was on fire.
I said my cat, my salamander and one of the twins.
If you can't joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what's the point of jokes? What's the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.
Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!
Whether you understand they evolved over billions of years or believe that a God made them all one afternoon, please be kind to animals.
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
I've got three friends that you'd call famous, but I'm sure after 20 years, most of my friends will be famous or work in television, because that's the nature of what your work is. When I was working in an office, most of my friends worked in offices.
Everything you do is autobiographical.
Yeah, I grew up in a town called Redding and I had older brothers and sisters so it's all my memories of growing up.
Body language is more powerful than words.
She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'
Since there is absolutely no logical reason to assume there is an afterlife, I decided to make the life I have now as much fun as possible.
Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.
Some people are offended by mixed marriage, gay people, atheism. So what? F*** 'em.
There's no difference between fame and infamy now.
There's a new school of professional famous people that don't do anything. They don't create anything.