Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.— P. G. Wodehouse
The most spectacular P. G. Wodehouse quotes that will add value to your life
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.
There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.
An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
I always advise people never to give advice.
Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.
It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.
As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.
The cup of tea on arrival at a country house is a thing which, as a rule, I particularly enjoy. I like the crackling logs, the shaded lights, the scent of buttered toast, the general atmosphere of leisured cosiness.
It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.
A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion.
It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.
Everything in life that’s any fun, as somebody wisely observed, is either immoral, illegal or fattening.
At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.
Well, why do you want a political career? Have you ever been in the House of Commons and taken a good square look at the inmates? As weird a gaggle of freaks and sub-humans as was ever collected in one spot.
You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'" "The mood will pass, sir.
I just sit at a typewriter and curse a bit.
...it has been well said that it is precisely these moments when we are feeling that ours is the world and everything that's in it that Fate selects for sneaking up on us with the rock in the stocking.
My motto is 'Love and let love' - with the one stipulation that people who love in glass-houses should breathe on the windows.
What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?
The least thing upset him on the links.
He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.
If you could call the thing a horse. If it hadn't shown a flash of speed in the straight, it would have got mixed up with the next race.
It has been well said that an author who expects results from a first novel is in a position similar to that of a man who drops a rose petal down the Grand Canyon of Arizona and listens for the echo.
Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?
Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.
Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out?
It's a funny thing about looking for things.
If you hunt for a needle in a haystack you don't find it. If you don't give a darn whether you ever see the needle or not it runs into you the first time you lean against the stack.
As a child of eight Mr. Trout had once kissed a girl of six under the mistletoe at a Christmas party, but there his sex life had come to abrupt halt.
It is a good rule in life never to apologize.
The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
Cats, as a class, have never completely got over the snootiness caused by the fact that in ancient Egypt they were worshipped as gods. This makes them prone to set themselves up as critics and censors of the frail and erring human beings whose lot they share.
That is life. Just one long succession of misunderstandings and rash acts and what not. Absolutely.
I am told by those who know that there are six varieties of hangover-the Broken Compass, the Sewing Machine, the Comet, the Atomic, the Cement Mixer and the Gremlin Boogie, and his manner suggested that he had got them all.
If men's minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank.
She's one of those soppy girls, riddled from head to foot with whimsy.
She holds the view that the stars are God's daisy chain, that rabbits are gnomes in attendance on the Fairy Queen, and that every time a fairy blows its wee nose a baby is born, which, as we know, is not the case. She's a drooper.
This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.
If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.
Golf, like measles, should be caught young.
Chumps always make the best husbands.
When you marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his head first, and if it rings solid, don't hesitate. All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains. What good are brains to a man? They only unsettle him.
Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.
Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.
Love has had a lot of press-agenting from the oldest times;
but there are higher, nobler things than love.
The drowsy stillness of the afternoon was shattered by what sounded to his strained senses like G.K. Chesterton falling on a sheet of tin.
The real objection to the great majority of cats is their insufferable air of superiority.
I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.