It used to be that you came out of school, and you got married - those who were going to get married. But my peers are getting married in their early 30s, so now there's like this extra 10 years of that angst.— Zach Braff
The most courageous Zach Braff quotes that may be undiscovered and unusual
I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.
Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.
Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.
I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.
Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.
It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.
In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.
I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.
The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.
A lot of people say colonialism was 'evil' or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don't think it should be considered 'racist' to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa.
I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?
If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.
I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.
As a kid who wasn't into sports, at school I felt almost alienated at times, whereas in the theatre community there was this amazing sense of camaraderie. Early on, we would go to rehearsals with my dad and I was like the mascot for the backstage crew. That was a big part of my childhood, so I dreamed of one day doing a play in London.
I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes.
I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don't break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.
I am really driven, but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.
I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.
I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success.
I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.
The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself.
In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters.
So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person.
I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health.
I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.
I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.
I remember once I went to go see a movie, and in front of me in line there was a little boy who looked so eager to see it, like it was Christmas morning. When he got to the ticket booth it turned out there was only one ticket left; the manager was there and wanted to give it to me instead since I was famous. That's when I knew I'd hit it big.
When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around?
You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.
Is 'Garden State' the next 'Citizen Kane'? Of course not.
I'd like to think we aimed a little higher than that, frankly.
Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.
It's... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy.
It's a really fun hobby to set imagery to music, and finding the right songs for that. Your favorite song in the world might not work at all... for one reason or another.
My job as an actor has inspired generations of children to become doctors.
My job as a writer has opened up the minds of millions. My job as a director has produced masterpieces that will be taught in film school for ages.
That cyclone in Burma? That was just me doing the dance to that annoying ass song.
I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.
There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy.
Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space.
I think the saddest moments in life have humor in them.
I have a memory of coming home from a funeral with my family in the back of a limousine and someone cracking a joke and us just hysterically belly laughing. It's how we always dealt with tragedy in our lives and I think it's such a healthy way to deal with sadness.
Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.
Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually.
If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer.
I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.
When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.
It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust.
Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It's like denying the cure for polio or something.
If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.
Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.
My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.
The thing about all these charities is that who sees where the money goes? I don't and you don't. For all I know, the president of Make a Wish just used all the money to buy himself a mansion and a yacht. That's why I keep all of my money for myself, at least then I know I'm doing good for at least one person for sure.
I never looked at bread the same way again
I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?
I don't think that other races are inferior, I just think that there's something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, 'Yeah, I'm glad I'm on that team.'
I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?
Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me