Jay Mohr Quotes

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it.

ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation.

Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon.

I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball.

Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

I've asked Comedy Central, and they just say, "I don't know.

" It took Showtime two years to put my special on DVD. Owning your own content is the single most important thing in the world.

I think stand-up's, the older they get, the better they get.

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason.

There are always excuses. People will say, "Well, there's a lot to do in Long Island..." but you know what, if Jim Gaffigan was here, tickets would be gone a month ago, if Chelsea Handler was at the Barclays Center, gone.

There is a ceiling to it and there's a stigma. Billy Crystal as brilliant as he is, he's never going to be thought of as a contemporary like Alan Arkin.

There was never a moment in George Carlin's career where he dipped below an A+. When he came out with the "Hippie Dippie Weatherman" on The Tonight Show, I mean, it seems so mundane now, but it was in black and white TV and the whole bit was that this guy smoked tons of grass and was a terrible weather man. "Forecast for tonight? Dark."

Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

This happens to me every couple of years. I'll look at someone I respect and I'll realize that he's outworking me. It changes the way I behave for the next half decade.

I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.

When I'm home I'm in much more of a routine like I said, which I like. On the road everything gets flip-flopped.

Comedians are always going to be in the showbiz middle class, you're not Brad Pitt; you're never going to be Sam Rockwell or Shia LaBeouf or Leo DiCaprio. You're a comic.

It's very good to know when you're being lapped on the racetrack, 'cause you've got to put your foot down on the pedal and get going.

It doesn't hurt my voice or anything because some impressions tear my throat apart. [Christophen] Walken is easy; I can do it in my sleep. They all know it by heart. I did it on The Simpsons. I'm surprised that people still want to hear it.

First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife.

I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.

I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage.

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week... It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.

I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

As far as in my career, I don't know what other form there is. I would love to do a talk show.

My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.

George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."

You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are timed perfectly.

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.

The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show.

You can vibe out when people are getting tired or they're too drunk to keep going along with.

What I've realized in the last year, 80% of my act has already happened to me, and it's not until you retell the story at a party or to a friend or it comes up on the podcast that you, I don't know why I'm not doing that onstage!

After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn't be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I'm looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.

I'm going to eventually shoot my own special, because you have to own your own content. My Turn (2003), that's never been released on DVD.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

'Christopher Walken' is my "Hotel California," but I've done it so much

I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise.

I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.

The anxiety is, "Are they going to come?" and when you get there and it's full you say, "I'm good. I can stop freaking out." But when it's four days out and they're scrambling to find more radio shows and Good Morning Phoenix and all these weird shows, then that gets very tiring.