103+ Jay Mohr Quotes On Success, Winning And Norm Macdonald

Jay Mohr is an American actor, stand-up comedian, and radio host. He is best known for his roles in the films Jerry Maguire, Go, and Are We There Yet? He is also known for his radio show Mohr Stories and his podcast Mohr Stories Podcast. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Jay Mohr on leadership, success, love.

Top 10 Jay Mohr Quotes

1. Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.
2. What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.
3. You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.
4. When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.
5. I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.
6. If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.
7. Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?
8. I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.
9. Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
10. I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

Jay Mohr Short Quotes

• She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.
• I don't care about anybody's perception of me except for the audience.
• Yogi Berra put it best, "If people don't want to come, we can't stop them."
• There seems to be a weird ceiling to being a stand-up as far as acting.
• People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth.
• People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.
• 'Christopher Walken' is my "Hotel California," but I've done it so much
• You can vibe out when people are getting tired or they're too drunk to keep going along with.
• The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.
• I think stand-up's, the older they get, the better they get.

Jay Mohr Quotes About Love

As far as in my career, I don't know what other form there is. I would love to do a talk show. — Jay Mohr

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier. — Jay Mohr

I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone. — Jay Mohr

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it. — Jay Mohr

Jay Mohr Famous Quotes And Sayings

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person. — Jay Mohr

I've asked Comedy Central, and they just say, "I don't know." It took Showtime two years to put my special on DVD. Owning your own content is the single most important thing in the world. — Jay Mohr

I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the order. — Jay Mohr

My act now is completely different. I took two years off when I first got with my wife and it was because my old act was all about "Where's the party after this?" I was humping the stool and it's all so disgusting and I was miserable, miserable in a lifeless angry marriage. Then I met my wife and I was completely happy. Like a snake that sheds its skin. I just got rid of all of that negativity. — Jay Mohr

My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that. — Jay Mohr

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week... It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous. — Jay Mohr

I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to. — Jay Mohr

This happens to me every couple of years. I'll look at someone I respect and I'll realize that he's outworking me. It changes the way I behave for the next half decade. — Jay Mohr

There was never a moment in George Carlin's career where he dipped below an A+. When he came out with the "Hippie Dippie Weatherman" on The Tonight Show, I mean, it seems so mundane now, but it was in black and white TV and the whole bit was that this guy smoked tons of grass and was a terrible weather man. "Forecast for tonight? Dark." — Jay Mohr

Comedians are always going to be in the showbiz middle class, you're not Brad Pitt; you're never going to be Sam Rockwell or Shia LaBeouf or Leo DiCaprio. You're a comic. — Jay Mohr

It's very good to know when you're being lapped on the racetrack, 'cause you've got to put your foot down on the pedal and get going. — Jay Mohr

It doesn't hurt my voice or anything because some impressions tear my throat apart. [Christophen] Walken is easy; I can do it in my sleep. They all know it by heart. I did it on The Simpsons. I'm surprised that people still want to hear it. — Jay Mohr

First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife. — Jay Mohr

I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage. — Jay Mohr

You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christopher Walken wanted to know where my dog's tail went. That really happened to me. — Jay Mohr

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking. — Jay Mohr

You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are timed perfectly. — Jay Mohr

George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it." — Jay Mohr

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab. — Jay Mohr

I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball. — Jay Mohr

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day. — Jay Mohr

The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show. — Jay Mohr

What I've realized in the last year, 80% of my act has already happened to me, and it's not until you retell the story at a party or to a friend or it comes up on the podcast that you, I don't know why I'm not doing that onstage! — Jay Mohr

After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn't be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I'm looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait. — Jay Mohr

I'm going to eventually shoot my own special, because you have to own your own content. My Turn (2003), that's never been released on DVD. — Jay Mohr

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks. — Jay Mohr

When I'm home I'm in much more of a routine like I said, which I like. On the road everything gets flip-flopped. — Jay Mohr

I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid. — Jay Mohr

I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise. — Jay Mohr

There is a lot of acting that is on the table - precisely, good acting. The best movies of mine are the ones that really nobody saw. The Groomsmen, Playing By Heart and Seeing Other People are by far the work I'm the most proud of. — Jay Mohr

The allure becomes, "Can I make these rooms bigger?" Can I fill these 1,500-seat rooms? Then the allure is, how much, if we're being honest, how much can I squeeze out of it financially? — Jay Mohr

[George Carlin] was obsessive about time; he was obsessive compulsive about his material and making things shorter and more perfect. He did an HBO hour every other year. It's live; you have to be off-stage at 55 minutes. It's a network; you've got to be off. And it's perfect. — Jay Mohr

My career isn't gonna screetch to a halt because some guy in Westbury filmed ten minutes of the show. "Well, we were gonna give you the sitcom but saw that bit you did about the Mormons in Westbury, so get outta here." — Jay Mohr

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once. — Jay Mohr

I started to have panic attacks on stage and my wife just asked, "Why don't you just stop?" I was doing Ghost Whisperer at the time so I was making enough money where I could put it away and she said, "Then, when you go back, you just go up and tell the truth." And it's a lot more tiring. — Jay Mohr

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that. — Jay Mohr

[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing..." — Jay Mohr

There is a person that says they invented the podcast and they are suing Adam Carolla, because he is the top of the hill, for patent infringement. If this person wins, Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, Joe Rogan, Jay Mohr, Chris Hardwick, it will all go away. So, it's kind of like when someone takes your name so you can't get it on Twitter, magnified times a billion. — Jay Mohr

I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us. — Jay Mohr

You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke thief," I just tell them to come to one of my shows. — Jay Mohr

If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed. — Jay Mohr

What's great about stand-up unlike athletes and other things when you get old you get old and rusty. — Jay Mohr

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it. — Jay Mohr

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it. — Jay Mohr

If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one man show. They're all stand alone essays. — Jay Mohr

I don't know how you do it [working at office]; I would just get up and walk out. That's what I did for pretty much every job I've ever had. — Jay Mohr

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind. — Jay Mohr

Joan Rivers is 80 and she's fantastic. She lives in mortal fear of not filling that 1,500-seat room. — Jay Mohr

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field. — Jay Mohr

I don't have the ability to do a nine-to-five nor do I have the desire to. Stand-up is the only thing that's come completely naturally to me. — Jay Mohr

We all shared this experience. We all had one brain, we were one giant organism working and having joy. "What about Walken?" Sorry, bro...Maybe I should've done an hour and 34 minutes. — Jay Mohr

Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone thinks my show was "pretty good," then I've completely failed. I think every comic should think that. — Jay Mohr

I had a calling, this is what happened, I've explained the story many times. I've had my priest on, I've had atheists on. When I explain my conversion to atheists, my personal series of events, they go, "Oh, alright." — Jay Mohr

It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a lineup with eight other guys, it's fun, it's great. — Jay Mohr

I created a human being from paper and I put it on the screen, a unique individual. I wish every performance, every IMDB credit, I would do it over, because I would do it better, because I would do it less. If that makes any sense. — Jay Mohr

I've always been very open about it. I've been very open about my addiction, about my panic disorder. But I think that transparency is what can separate you from others because I think that is where comedy is going. — Jay Mohr

I think, here's what I've realized from interviewing people, and I've been very open about my Catholicism and my love of Christ and I don't care who knows it but I don't do it on stage. People that disagree with me that are listening to my podcast that are not Christian, I'm not trying to sell them Christianity and I make it very clear. — Jay Mohr

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill. — Jay Mohr

If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it at all. — Jay Mohr

When you're on the road, it gets a bit crazy. I've been on the road for about two weeks, and squeezed about 11 shows into 14 days. It's funny, traveling cross country isn't what kills ya - it's driving the two hours to the one-nighters and back. That's what gets exhausting, it gets to the point where seeing your kids is the relief. — Jay Mohr

True Yankees are born, not made. — Jay Mohr

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry. — Jay Mohr

This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure. — Jay Mohr

I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have an inability to do a nine-to-five. — Jay Mohr

Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're taking 50% of people that'll buy tickets to come see you and you're removing them from the equation. — Jay Mohr

There's not a rocket scientist, not a doctor, not an accountant that 30 years in goes, "Oh, now I'm getting it. Now I can't wait to get back out there because I'm better than ever." — Jay Mohr

I don't have a nine-to-five brain. — Jay Mohr

If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So it is a monastic life, it is very lonely, if I was prone to loneliness. It's a lot like wrestling, no one can throw a block for you, no one can give you a pass. Nobody can hand the ball off to you, it's you only for an hour and a half every night. — Jay Mohr

The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary. — Jay Mohr

All I can do when I'm on stage is do a show where when I come back into town they cannot possibly afford to miss the show because they remember how fun it was. — Jay Mohr

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up. — Jay Mohr

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks. — Jay Mohr

Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say, "Well, there's a lot to do in Long Island..." but you know what, if Jim Gaffigan was here, tickets would be gone a month ago, if Chelsea Handler was at the Barclays Center, gone. — Jay Mohr

When you do an hour and a half and you destroy, like tonight was great. I had an awesome time. I realized that I'd been up there for about an hour and a half and I realized, "Wow, I'm gonna get out of here without doing Walken." It is a bit of a moral victory. — Jay Mohr

The anxiety is, "Are they going to come?" and when you get there and it's full you say, "I'm good. I can stop freaking out." But when it's four days out and they're scrambling to find more radio shows and Good Morning Phoenix and all these weird shows, then that gets very tiring. — Jay Mohr

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole. — Jay Mohr

Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole. — Jay Mohr

There is a ceiling to it and there's a stigma. Billy Crystal as brilliant as he is, he's never going to be thought of as a contemporary like Alan Arkin. — Jay Mohr

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets. — Jay Mohr

Life Lessons by Jay Mohr

1. Jay Mohr teaches that it's important to stay true to yourself and not be afraid to take risks. He believes that hard work and dedication will lead to success, and that it's important to stay humble and grateful for the opportunities that come your way.
2. Jay Mohr also emphasizes the importance of having a strong support system, and encourages people to surround themselves with people who will help them reach their goals. He believes that having a positive attitude and a good work ethic are essential for achieving success.
3. Finally, Jay Mohr emphasizes the power of resilience and the importance of never giving up. He encourages people to keep pushing forward and to never