Paul Merton Quotes

It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection.

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show.

I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.

My school days were the happiest days of my life;

which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

I'll never forget my first experience of swede.

It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness.

Have you ever had sex with a horse?

When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10;

why is this funny, and that isn't?

And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.

Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.

I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.

Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.

I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.

I have never sold my story, done Hello! magazine, any of that stuff.

I'm not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, 'Oh, I don't want to talk about my private life.' I've never crossed that line.

I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.

In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it.

When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.

I've never been disappointed by politicians.

I've never invested that much in them in the first place.

My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here.

How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was.

When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.

I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.