The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.

— Tucker Max

The most astounding Tucker Max quotes that may be undiscovered and unusual

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.

57

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

25

You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.

19

And I’ve found that, what I now want the most in a woman is—I want a partner. I want someone who is my partner in life. Who supports me, and I support her. I can share all my experiences in life with her, and she can share hers back with me. Not only do we love each other, but we accept, embrace, nurture, and care for each other.

19

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.

' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are.

18

I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two.

If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

15

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.

13

Most people's lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear.

12

I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy.

11

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.

11

I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor

11

Guys, we spend our whole lives trying to get pussy, so when pussy comes to us, it's like, "Whoa, this is amazing!" At 27, I thought nothing could be better than that, but at 35, I've come to understand the darker side of it.

10

About Tucker Max

Quotes 128 sayings
Profession Author
Birthday September 27, 1975

Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.

9

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

9

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

9

Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't.

7

Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.

7

My path to wisdom began when I stopped pretending to know things I didn't know.

When I explicitly admitted to the limits of my knowledge, stopped building on ambiguity and ignorance, and instead realized that I knew nothing, not even the things I thought I knew.

7

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

7

You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

7

Before I was famous, I already was the person that attracted and dealt with a lot of weirdos.

6

I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures.

6

It [eBook] is like introducing the machine gun to a revolutionary war.

It changes everything. If you can reach your fans directly without having to go through a middle man, the entire economics of the publishing business changes.

6

Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.

6

What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you.

5

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

5

If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma.

5

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.

5

Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions.

4

The haters always scream the loudest.

4

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

4

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.

4

One big lesson I learned from movie [making] was I don't do creative projects that I headline unless I have all the control. I can't deal with having to live with other people's screw ups, and that's just sort of the way the movie business works. The people with the money are in charge. Until I'm in charge, I don't want to play that game.

3

Hey man, can you talk to dolphins and pilot whales with that huge forehead of yours?

3

Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

3

I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.

3

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.

3

I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester.

3

I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

3

If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program.

2

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.

2

Theatrical success is predominantly two variables: who the distributor is and how much money they spend.

1

If you just don't have any idea what you want to do, the worst thing you can do is go to law school. If you can go to college, maybe it's fine to have four years of fun and learn a little bit, that's okay, but if you have to go two hundred thousand dollars in debt, that's not something I would recommend.

1

The idea that guys should walk into a bar and confidently initiate contact and then seduce a woman based on a short term conversation is a toxic cultural myth that robs guys of self-confidence and that holds them up to an unrealistic standard that they have to become a super-extraverted narcissist in order to 'score with women'

1

I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship.

0

If you read the book, you're not a journalist.

You're some impostor! No journalist actually does any work.

0

TV has a longer narrative, and TV's more like short stories.

So there's less rules with TV; you can make it a little bit different. [With] movies, the medium has more constraints, so it was just about what stories are the most cinematic and the best resolution.

0

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them.

0

I've never really had a media edifice supporting me.

0
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