110+ Scott Adams Quotes On Kindness, Humorous And Satirical
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Top 10 Scott Adams Quotes (BEST)
- If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
- I love you like a fat kid loves cake!
- If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
- Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.
- Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
- Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
- Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
- Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.
- Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.
- The maintenance man is moving the thermostat in our office today. I started talking with him about the
Scott Adams Short Quotes
- If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.
- Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo
- We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.
- The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.
- Most success springs from an obstacle or failure.
- The only risk of failure is promotion.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- There's a fine line between participation and mockery.
- The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out.
- To err is human. To cover it up is weasel.
Scott Adams Quotes On Humorous
Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time. — Scott Adams
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. — Scott Adams
In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It’s called Karoshi. I don’t want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon. — Scott Adams
Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. — Scott Adams
As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line. — Scott Adams
No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot. — Scott Adams
Scott Adams Quotes On Food
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant. — Scott Adams
If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy. — Scott Adams
Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment. I recommend paying weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data. Then eat the wrong kind of foods and hope you die before the earth does. — Scott Adams
Scott Adams Quotes On People
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. — Scott Adams
Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve. — Scott Adams
A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer. — Scott Adams
Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane. — Scott Adams
Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto — Scott Adams
The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy. - Wally's Keynote Speech — Scott Adams
You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me. — Scott Adams
The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day. This is why people of different religions can generally live in peace. At some level, we all suspect that other people don't believe their own religion any more than we believe ours. — Scott Adams
Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene? Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies. — Scott Adams
Every year, it takes more brains to navigate this complicated world. More people are falling below what I call the 'incompetence line' through no fault of their own. — Scott Adams
Scott Adams Quotes On Business
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. — Scott Adams
The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th. — Scott Adams
In the future, it will become increasingly obvious that your competitors are just as clueless as you are. — Scott Adams
These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print. — Scott Adams
Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting. — Scott Adams
Scott Adams Famous Quotes And Sayings
Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately. — Scott Adams
If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it. — Scott Adams
Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method. Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called time and cause and effect exist. Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. Dogbert: Sounds cultish. — Scott Adams
There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens. — Scott Adams
Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership. — Scott Adams
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. — Scott Adams
The best you can hope for in this life is that your delusions are benign and your compulsions have utility. — Scott Adams
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it. — Scott Adams
Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning. — Scott Adams
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway. — Scott Adams
Methods for predicting the future: 1) read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls . . . collectively known as "nutty methods;" 2) put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer . . . commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time." — Scott Adams
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. — Scott Adams
You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you'd be in a wheelchair too. — Scott Adams
Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information. — Scott Adams
We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. — Scott Adams
Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing. — Scott Adams
Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn. — Scott Adams
Technology: No Place for Wimps! — Scott Adams
I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees. — Scott Adams
As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny. — Scott Adams
Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good to anyone else if you're unhealthy, a financial burden, or an emotional basket case. Fix yourself before you turn outward. It's best for everyone. — Scott Adams
Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room. — Scott Adams
And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing. — Scott Adams
In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'. — Scott Adams
On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary. — Scott Adams
Ratbert (as lab rat, to scientist): Doc, we have to talk. Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese. At first I thought you were just being a good host. But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister. — Scott Adams
Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight. — Scott Adams
Everyone, including skeptics, will generate delusions that match their views. That is how a normal and healthy brain works. Skeptics are not exempt from self-delusion. — Scott Adams
I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles. — Scott Adams
I keep hearing the argument that some things are constitutional while other things are not. The idea is that we should be in favor of all the things that were decided over 200 years ago by a bunch of slave-owning cross-dressers who pooped in holes. — Scott Adams
Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support the so-called "round earth theory." Dilbert: I think Christopher Columbus would disagree. Dogbert: How convenient that your best witness is dead. — Scott Adams
Have you ever noticed that things that don’t kill you make you weaker? And great minds don’t think alike. If they did, the patent office would only have about fifty inventions. I started getting suspicious when I cried over spilt milk and the cashier took it off my bill.” - Wally — Scott Adams
I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake. — Scott Adams
If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts. — Scott Adams
Dogbert gazing at night sky No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. DogbertThank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. DilbertIt's the miracle of science. — Scott Adams
Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands... uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know... I'll bluff the rest. Slap your partner in the face, Write bad checks all over the place, Flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, Get a divorce and lose your house, ...uh... dosey-do. — Scott Adams
The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol. — Scott Adams
Mockery is an important social tool for squelching stupidity. I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked. — Scott Adams
Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster. — Scott Adams
I try to avoid giving advice. — Scott Adams
There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft. — Scott Adams
You might think the word "homemade" is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that's why. — Scott Adams
You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead nor alive until we dig him up and open the casket. If he's alive, he might want his brain back, which I understand is in a Ziplock bag in some guy's freezer. And this is a perfect example of why examples always distract from the main point. — Scott Adams
The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day — Scott Adams
The surest way to identify those who won't succeed at weight loss is that they tend to say things like "My goal is to lose ten pounds." Weight targets often work in the short run. But if you need willpower to keep the weight off, you're doomed in the long run. The only way to succeed in the long run is by using a system that bypasses your need for willpower. — Scott Adams
The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar. — Scott Adams
The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up. — Scott Adams
Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas. — Scott Adams
My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser. — Scott Adams
If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens. — Scott Adams
If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%. — Scott Adams
Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue. — Scott Adams
God designs people's emotions so you fall in love with people who, in return, wouldn't even use your hollowed-out skull for a spittoon. — Scott Adams
Moslem: people who believe suicide is a good way to get laid. — Scott Adams
Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's. — Scott Adams
Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more. — Scott Adams
My old life - no amount of getting used to it would have made it right. — Scott Adams
Everything you learn becomes a shortcut for understanding something else. — Scott Adams
If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ? — Scott Adams
Intelligence is a measure of how well you function within your level of awareness. — Scott Adams
The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to trurh. — Scott Adams
Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words. — Scott Adams
There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it. — Scott Adams
By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out. — Scott Adams
If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it. — Scott Adams
If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible. — Scott Adams
I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For example, you won't have much of a social life if you can't afford to do anything. And you can't make money if your health is a mess. — Scott Adams
Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far. — Scott Adams
I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't. — Scott Adams
Ideas are worthless. Execution is everything. — Scott Adams
The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want. — Scott Adams
Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime. — Scott Adams
Life Lessons by Scott Adams
- Scott Adams teaches us to be persistent and resilient in the face of adversity. He overcame a number of obstacles to become a successful cartoonist, and his story is a great example of the power of determination and hard work.
- Scott Adams also emphasizes the importance of having a positive attitude and believing in yourself. He believes that having a positive outlook is essential for success, and encourages us to stay focused on our goals and never give up.
- Finally, Scott Adams encourages us to take risks and be open to new opportunities. He believes that taking risks and trying new things can lead to unexpected successes, and that it's important to be open to new ideas and experiences.
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