My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

— Chelsea Handler

The most colorful Chelsea Handler quotes that will activate your desire to change

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea.

Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

49

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

28

I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?

21

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

20

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

19

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

16

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

14

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

13

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

12

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

10

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out.

This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

9

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

9

About Chelsea Handler

Quotes 261 sayings
Profession Comedian
Birthday February 25, 1975

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday.

Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

9

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

8

You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.

8

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.

8

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

8

As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.

7

Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.

7

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica.

He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.

6

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

6

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

6

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

5

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

4

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

4

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

4

I don't understand what apps are on my phone.

Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.

4

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

3

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

3

George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?

2

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it.

You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

2

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

2

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality.

Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

2

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

2

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating.

They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

2

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

2

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda.

It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

1

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

1

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

1

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?

1

People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't.

Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.

1

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

1

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.

1

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

0

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

0

[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman.

You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee has children, but you're there all day and all night. No one has a life outside of it. I would never try to have a family. I care much more about a career anyway, than having a family, so that's my own prerogative. It's just not something that a woman.

0

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go.

It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

0

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability.

And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

0

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

0
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