110+ Chelsea Handler Quotes On Friendship, Cuomo And Jay Leno

Chelsea Handler is an American comedian, actress, writer, television host, producer, and activist. She is known for her talk show Chelsea Lately on the E! network, and her Netflix stand-up comedy specials. She is also the author of five books, and has her own production company, Borderline Amazing Productions. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Chelsea Handler on love, life, friendship.

Top 10 Chelsea Handler Quotes

1. We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
2. Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
3. I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?
4. Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
5. I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
6. You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
7. There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
8. It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.
9. I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
10. Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

Chelsea Handler Short Quotes

• That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
• Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.
• If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
• I want to start saying bad words all the time!
• In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
• A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.
• I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.
• Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
• When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
• They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

Chelsea Handler Quotes About Love

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear. — Chelsea Handler

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. — Chelsea Handler

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life. — Chelsea Handler

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. — Chelsea Handler

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense. — Chelsea Handler

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense. — Chelsea Handler

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost. — Chelsea Handler

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather. — Chelsea Handler

It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me. — Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Quotes About Life

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for. — Chelsea Handler

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life. — Chelsea Handler

My life and my legs have been an open book. — Chelsea Handler

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with. — Chelsea Handler

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat? — Chelsea Handler

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life. — Chelsea Handler

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. — Chelsea Handler

I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life. — Chelsea Handler

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. — Chelsea Handler

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself. — Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Quotes About Funny

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink. — Chelsea Handler

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? — Chelsea Handler

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail. — Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. — Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around. — Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. — Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men. — Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. — Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Famous Quotes And Sayings

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home. — Chelsea Handler

You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it. — Chelsea Handler

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. — Chelsea Handler

As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me. — Chelsea Handler

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so. — Chelsea Handler

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus. — Chelsea Handler

I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online. — Chelsea Handler

George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas? — Chelsea Handler

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself. — Chelsea Handler

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt. — Chelsea Handler

People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children. — Chelsea Handler

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father. — Chelsea Handler

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of. — Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor. — Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury. — Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming! — Chelsea Handler

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. — Chelsea Handler

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half? — Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself. — Chelsea Handler

[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman. You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee has children, but you're there all day and all night. No one has a life outside of it. I would never try to have a family. I care much more about a career anyway, than having a family, so that's my own prerogative. It's just not something that a woman. — Chelsea Handler

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take. — Chelsea Handler

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it. — Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. — Chelsea Handler

When you have a vision, you have to see it through, and you can make anything happen. You really can, especially in this [entertainment ] industry. — Chelsea Handler

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous. — Chelsea Handler

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role. — Chelsea Handler

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks. — Chelsea Handler

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot. — Chelsea Handler

I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in. — Chelsea Handler

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top. — Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler

People push my buttons, so I'm going to react. — Chelsea Handler

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue. — Chelsea Handler

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. — Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. — Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes. — Chelsea Handler

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked. — Chelsea Handler

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle. — Chelsea Handler

People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting. — Chelsea Handler

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps. — Chelsea Handler

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels. — Chelsea Handler

Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er. — Chelsea Handler

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid. — Chelsea Handler

It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a woman, being on the road at these disgusting hotels. What girls want to do that? Gross guys want to do that. I think that the dearth in female comics is just the nature of the business, but there certainly isn't a dearth anymore, so I think it's just silly. — Chelsea Handler

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby. — Chelsea Handler

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat. — Chelsea Handler

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction. — Chelsea Handler

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs. — Chelsea Handler

According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie. — Chelsea Handler

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won. — Chelsea Handler

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning? — Chelsea Handler

No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity. — Chelsea Handler

Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.' — Chelsea Handler

We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics with kids because you find out what their parents are feeding them at home, and then you find out their quick reactions to things. It's so refreshing when kids are so honest. — Chelsea Handler

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute. — Chelsea Handler

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. — Chelsea Handler

To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’ — Chelsea Handler

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides. — Chelsea Handler

I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything — Chelsea Handler

I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you use to think about whether some celebrity was sleeping with another celebrity. The conjecture that goes along with that. You feel like your mind has been shot apart. — Chelsea Handler

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody. — Chelsea Handler

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters — Chelsea Handler

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings. — Chelsea Handler

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all. — Chelsea Handler

I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies. — Chelsea Handler

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home. — Chelsea Handler

I like to just follow what I find compelling. In order for me to be compelling, I have to be compelled. I don't try to think about what people are interested in seeing, I have to be interested. For me, that works the best. — Chelsea Handler

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong. — Chelsea Handler

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together. — Chelsea Handler

Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon. — Chelsea Handler

My father has a high opinion of his opinion — Chelsea Handler

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting. — Chelsea Handler

Being that frank and being that open, there's more praise than there is negativity. It's just the negativity gets printed because you're straight and f - ing rude. It's not rude, it's just getting straight to the point. — Chelsea Handler

Life Lessons by Chelsea Handler

1. Chelsea Handler's work emphasizes the importance of self-confidence and self-acceptance, showing that it is possible to be successful and true to oneself.
2. She also highlights the importance of speaking out against injustice and inequality, and using humor to confront difficult topics.
3. Finally, her work demonstrates that it is possible to be successful in a male-dominated industry, and that women should not be afraid to take up space and make their voices heard.