You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.— Amy Schumer
The most dreamy Amy Schumer quotes that will be huge advantage for your personal development
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff.
The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom.
I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.
' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
To me, feminism means equality between men and women.
I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
My comedy is unapologetic and fearless.
Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.
I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.
The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
My mom's always saying really smart things.
.. like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
Song "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" is actually about syphilis.
Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?
It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?
The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out.
But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.
Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.
I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say.
I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.
I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
You shoot saltwater in your ass?
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout.
I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.
The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first, and I've gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it.
The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
Every woman deals with sexism most every day of their lives.
Growing up, it's just in your day-to-day. There are all these preconceived notions of what it means to be a woman or a girl, and straying from those ideas of femininity is sort of shocking to people. I felt angered by that as a kid. I felt like that was unjust. Like that was not right.
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now.
Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much.
I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all.
No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction.
I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away.
You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright.
I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone - you know, the director - she's like, 'He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.' And I'm like, 'Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.' She's like, 'I'm offended because I'm Asian.' And I was just like, 'Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.
I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
I understand why so many female comics quit or change their path, because it is hard. It's hard to be a comedian, and people have so much aggression towards women. I don't really know where that comes from, but I feel a total responsibility, and I'm gonna do my part, to continue on the path that I'm on.
I made out with a homeless guy by accident.
I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.