And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.— Sarah Silverman
The most craziest Sarah Silverman quotes that are guaranted to improve your brain
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.
Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up.
Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait--are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!'
I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.
Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.
Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist.
He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.
They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.
The sun shines directly on this great country, and it can be harvested, it's not owned by anybody. It's something the Jews and the Palestinians share and could work together to make the whole world a better place, not just this Middle East stuff, but the whole world.
I really think everything is fair game.
Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know.
.. because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years... but younger black women are prostitutes.
Take lots of time for yourself, discovering yourself-pursue not only a profession but other life passions, I always make time to rock climb or hike or write a few short stories. Also, find good people and surround yourself with them. Most importantly, always believe you will, unequivocally.
Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.
I'm all sentimental. I've probably been ruined by romantic movies, but I really do believe in love. I've experienced it, I've had it, so I know it's real.
People say, like, "I love when you smile because part of your mouth goes up," then I never organically smile again.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
What makes Disney movies and Pixar movies always so good, hey take time and they're constantly honing, and tweaking, and rejiggering things, and taking influences from every cog, including myself, that can help. Any place where there can be inspiration. They make every moment very layered and very rich.
Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six.
Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.
I mean, I love being with friends and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.
People who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly.
I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews I promise you, God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer.
I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.
The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.
I am Jewish and proud of this culturally and ethnically - the ways in which I was born this way and am happy with whom I am.
I still have highs and lows, maybe I don't cry salty tears as much.
As a kid, I was terrified. I was a bed wetter and I had to go to sleepaway camp every summer, which was humiliating and terrifying. I had lots of insecurities and scaredness. I covered it with being funny and tough, but it's hard to be tough when you're making your cot in your bunk over soaking wet sheets and acting like nobody can smell anything.
People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things.
I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.
By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.
Being with friends felt like a burden. I remember just sobbing.
I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick.
I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.
I'd rather have a girl exposed to me than 25 women in prom dresses vying for a stranger.
You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.
My dad was a bedwetter; I think his dad was a bedwetter. I like to talk about it because it's something that I thought would be my deepest, darkest secret my whole life, and then you become an adult, and it's not.
I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.
I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu.
I'm very lucky in that I still experience highs and lows.
And I think those lows are important. But I am not totally paralyzed, and it keeps me from just complete state of paralysis - and emotionally and really kind of almost physically.
Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
You can be Hitler and go to confession and say forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews, and the priest would just be like no problem. Say 10 Heil Marys. And Hitler goes to heaven.
Letting your freak flag fly is something, no matter who you are, that takes great bravery, straight up.
I like to think of myself as 'hot-larious' I'm cute, but I'm totally approachable.
I’ve always had dreams. When I was little, I’d go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies - just drifting off to the movies.
I've always kept my overhead low so I could do whatever I want.
I think of myself as lazy with spurts of getting a lot done. I find myself rooting against things sometimes because I get excited at the thought of a clean slate.
Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it.
I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people.
It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it.
I have lows, you know, everybody does .
.. but I kind of know how to handle it. I like to let myself wallow in it. I enforce it with terribly sad music, and it kind of pushes me through to the other side eventually, and I always know it's going to pass.
I like trying jokes and seeing the response, and if I end up doing it in my act, it won't be 140 characters. Twitter is helpful that way to me. It's like a message in a bottle. But a lot of times I think I tweet the stuff I would like to say to teenage me.