Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.— Jackie Mason
The most jittery Jackie Mason quotes that are guaranted to improve your brain
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone.
Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade .
.. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war.
I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!
I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know.
You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of excellent service, there's never been a hint of corruption in his behavior but everybody investigates him.
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.
Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem.
History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? .
.. Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
A schmuck is a general term of disrespect.
It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.
The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of media take their lead on the way the news should be presented along with what actually is the news.
Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity.
They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.
The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the last thing they'd ever do.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
The New York Times claims that they publish all the news that's fit to print but what they really do is print all the news that supports their agenda. What they are is the power base of the left.
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.
Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.
Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.
There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.
What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?
Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs.
Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she's Mr. Clinton's partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand for dishonesty and corruption.