quote by Tommy Cooper

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

— Tommy Cooper

Tremendous Bloke quotations

Beer has long been the prime lubricant in our social intercourse and the sacred throat-anointing fluid that accompanies the ritual of mateship. To sink a few cold ones with the blokes is both an escape and a confirmation of belonging.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Basically, a manager is a father figure to 20 or 25 blokes.

It's about trying to get the best out of them and creating team spirit.

The rest of the Spice Girls wanted to invite the entire Bayern Munich team because they reckoned they'd never known blokes to be on top for 90 minutes and still come second.

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

I'd like to be seen as an average Australian bloke.

I can't think of... I can't think of a nobler description of anybody than to be called an average Australian bloke.

When man invented fire, he didn't say, "Hey, let's cook.

" He said, "Great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

I love how the men stand around cooking the barbie while the women have done all the work beforehand doing the marinade and making the salads and then everybody says, 'what a great barbie' to the guy cooking. A barbecue is just the ultimate blokes' pastime, isn't it?

I'm not really a churchy person, although I do think Jesus was a good bloke.

Ive worked really physically hard, and I was never afraid of working hard as younger bloke.

When I made a breakthrough as an actor, people started to say, 'Who's that bloke with the funny name?' They advised me to change it, saying it would never be put up in lights outside theaters because they couldn't afford the electricity. But I would never contemplate changing it. It's who I am.

Look, I've always been a confident bloke. I'm grateful to my mother for that.

People often ask why comedy is harder for women, and the reason is because a tampon will sometimes fall out when you're on stage. Blokes don't have that worry.

Anna Karenina is just a story about a woman falling in love with a bloke who is not her husband. Its gossip, rubbish - on the other hand, its the deepest story there could be about social transgression, about love, betrayal, duty, children.

Gary Speed was honourable, trustworthy and a joy to manage.

He was honest, he was a role model and he was a great bloke. An avid learner, he recognised responsibility and he was always fully committed.

I was never a good-looking bloke. Not by a long chalk.

I think it's better if blokes can admit that they can have crushes on other blokes. I've probably had crushes but never really sexual crushes on men.

One day he (Einstein) said that the only mechanical force more powerful than steam, electricity and atomic energy is will. That Albert guy was not stupid. With will you can achieve things.

Where I live if someone gives you a hug it's from the heart.

I've had these blokes in Hollywood hug me trying to make out I'm their friend and as soon as I turn their back they take out a big bunch of knives and stab me in the back. I feel sorry for these people because they are so shallow.

Society? Can we trust us? Doubt it. We're probably not even real, as was revealed in the popular documentary The Matrix. That bloke next door? Made of pixels. Your co-workers? Pixels. You? One pixel. One measly pixel. You haven't even got shoes, for Christ's sake.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

After you've had Alain Prost and Ayrton Senna as team-mates you don't give a **** who the next bloke is

If you want to be successful in the art world you've got to look to the art world; you don't make it for the bloke next door and then hope the art world is going to look at it. That's one of the big mistakes people make.

They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

He's the type of bloke you would want to have on your side.

When you see an Indian side with Ganguly in the line-up, you know it's game on. You don't have to like or dislike him. You have to respect him.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.

It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

That’s Narmer with the spoon,” I guessed.

“Angry because the other bloke stole his breakfast cereal?

I don't find offensive that I'm being labelled a babe by blokes. I'm absolutely flattered.

Sad old blokes, I'm told, now dream of me with a whip in hand.

The first thing is to be patient, which is probably the hardest thing to do.

Don't worry if blokes are whacking you out of the park because you still have the opportunity to get him out next ball, even if it's not the same ball.

Maybe if I'd not been able to kick a ball it would have been different, but I doubt it because all my mates are decent blokes now, just normal fellas with families.

Oh, fatherhood has a very humanising effect on a bloke like me in the military.

As a dad, you become absolutely aware of your own human frailty and a need to be nurturing and compassionate and fatherly

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