quote by Anthony Jeselnik

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Inspiring Toilet quotations

The main part of the house is a deep red and I have butterscotch carpet.

And I have a bathroom with leopard skin floor, wallpaper and toilet.


Toilet quote Everybody want to change the world, but nobody whats to change the toilet paper
Everybody want to change the world, but nobody whats to change the toilet paper roll.

I smoke so much weed that you wouldn't believe and I get more ass then a toilet seat.

Meaningful Toilet quotes
Visualise all those meaningful toilet quotes

Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves.

If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –" "Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet." "Great idea though, thanks, Mum.

Montague's just been found in a toilet, Sir.

If you can see the handwriting on the wall... you're on the toilet.


Eating, bathing, going to the toilet, talking, thinking, and many other activities related to the body are all work. How is it that the performance of one particular act is alone (considered) work? To be still is to be always engaged in work. To be silent is to be always talking.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Leaders win through logistics. Vision, sure. Strategy, yes. But when you go to war, you need to have both toilet paper and bullets at the right place at the right time. In other words, you must win through superior logistics.

Let me speak frankly: separate but equal is a fraud.

It is the language that tried to push Rosa Parks to the back of the bus. It is the motif that determined that black and white people could not possibly drink from the same water fountain, eat at the same table or use the same toilets.

My name is only an anagram of toilets.


It's expensive to keep communism alive today.

I've already got a huge foreign debt staring me in the face, and I can't reduce it by exporting tomatoes or toilet paper. We should be making dollars any way we can. And we should be exporting arms any way and every way, openly and secretly, legally or by smuggling, I don't care how.

I refuse to go into a fast-food outlet - to use the toilet even - in case anyone got the wrong idea and thought I was sneaking in a quick burger.

We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat!

No innovation in the past 200 years has done more to save lives and improve health than the sanitation revolution triggered by invention of the toilet. But it did not go far enough. It only reached one-third of the world.

I'm cleaning toilets for $30 a day, because I needed that $30, and people are pointing at me, saying, Look at the big movie star. Look where he is now. I just said, I'm where God put me.


The wide screen reminds me of a roll of toilet paper.

Schools across India do not have teachers, libraries, playing grounds and even toilets. I do not want to see empty classrooms, empty libraries. I do not want to see cattle grazing on fields meant to be cricket or football grounds.

Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet.

What if I told you insane was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years at the end of which they tell you to p*ss off; ending up in some retirement village hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time? Wouldn't you consider that to be insane?

And it makes you wonder—how can a people incapable of selecting their own lightbulbs and toilets possess enough competence to vote for their own rulers and fill out complicated tax returns?


Tell me why it is that a toddler will gag over a perfectly wonderful breakfast of ham, eggs, biscuits, juice, and jelly. But then he will enthusiastically drink the dog's water and play in the toilet. Truly, he is his mother's greatest challenge...; and her most inexpressible joy.

Cleanliness and sanitation were closest to Gandhiji's heart.

We will launch a 'Clean India' campaign and by Gandhiji's 150th birth anniversary, all schools in the country should have toilets with separate toilets for girls.

Right now I'm scoring goals and I'm the king of the world.

And a couple weeks ago I was almost in the toilet. So maybe you just forget to flush me.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.


Dead girl walking” the boys say in the halls.

“Tell us your secrets” the girls whisper, one toilet to another. "I am that girl. I am the spaces between my thighs, daylight shinning through. I am the bones they want, wired on a porcelain frame.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet.

"But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?


One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it's a finite resource, constantly in danger of extinction, that must be carefully tracked and monitored, like pandas?

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

Clean water is only as far away as the nearest tap, and there are taps everywhere. There's a faucet everywhere. But the reality is, the water in our toilets is cleaner than the water that most people are drinking.

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.