110+ Dylan Moran Quotes On Germany, Australia And Internet

Dylan Moran is an Irish comedian, writer, actor, and film director. He is best known for his sardonic observational comedy, which often includes his witty one-liners and deadpan delivery. He is also known for his roles in films such as Shaun of the Dead, Run Fatboy Run, and Calvary. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Dylan Moran on love, life, germany.

Top 10 Dylan Moran Quotes

1. Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
2. Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.
3. Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!
4. I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.
5. I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
6. I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
7. You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.
8. I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.
9. I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
10. Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.

Dylan Moran Short Quotes

• It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.
• I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
• Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
• Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one.
• I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now.
• I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers.
• Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
• I don't want to do the same thing over and over again.
• You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.
• I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

Dylan Moran Quotes About Love

I love playing in America. I feel having been there a few times that I "get" America a lot more than I used to. It used to be so strange to me. It takes years to learn how to separate the actual, major, important differences from the superficial differences that aren't essential or crucial. — Dylan Moran

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?' — Dylan Moran

Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world. — Dylan Moran

Dylan Moran Quotes About Life

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city. Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation. — Dylan Moran

The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty. — Dylan Moran

I never really had a career, to be honest with you. I never in my life sat down and planned it. I have thought, 'Oh, I'd like to do this,' like anybody would. But I'm not the type that says, 'If I do this, it will lead to that.' — Dylan Moran

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time. — Dylan Moran

I don't know that you're able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I can't say that I ever feel that I'm sitting on top of a growing mound of wisdom. — Dylan Moran

In my personal life, my family makes me laugh more than anybody; I think that is the same for everybody. I certainly hope it is. — Dylan Moran

Dylan Moran Quotes About Black

You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...This is fantastic. I'm in heaven. — Dylan Moran

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it. — Dylan Moran

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all. — Dylan Moran

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing. — Dylan Moran

Dylan Moran Famous Quotes And Sayings

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it. — Dylan Moran

Religion is the yeast of death cakes. It is the most awful agent on a vulnerable mind. It's the refuge of alienated and lonely people. It's what people had before television. It yokes people together into an imaginary world. It is just people talking to their imaginary friends, at length. I wouldn't mind, but some of the people are world leaders. — Dylan Moran

Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture 'cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time. — Dylan Moran

The measure of a conversation is how much mutual recognition there is in it; how much shared there is in it. If you're talking about what's in your own head, or without thought to what people looking and listening will feel, you might as well be in a room talking to yourself. — Dylan Moran

I grew up in a house where there was lots of teasing and language play and laughter; it was very important. When I was a teenager, you wouldn't go to a bar and find lots of televisions everywhere. People were talking. Talk was the mental fire you would gather around in the evening. It occupied a big part of your existence. — Dylan Moran

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit. — Dylan Moran

I've seen stand up comedy, and after a while you start to notice that a lot of people are doing things that are like a lot of other people. There can be a bit of a herd mentality, and that's obviously less interesting because there's less going on. I'm just being totally frank with you. — Dylan Moran

Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you think, "What is this? This is pointless! It's - you can't taste it, you can't smell it... Why did we waste our money on this, bloody - why are we on a traffic island?" — Dylan Moran

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech. — Dylan Moran

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is! — Dylan Moran

You can see desperation in people who are too eager to laugh because they're in such a hurry not to look at what's confronting them in their lives and that's kind of sad because there's a kind of pornographic aspect to it, of making some sort of pain go away, of hovering around a pain, making yourself numb, not feel anything. — Dylan Moran

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island? — Dylan Moran

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good! — Dylan Moran

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist. — Dylan Moran

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats! — Dylan Moran

Shame is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world, anyway, built into religion. — Dylan Moran

I think of myself as a theatre comic instead of club comic because I tend to talk for a bit before I start being funny. I don't really do the one-liners and five second bits or whatever. But it's good to work stuff out sometimes. — Dylan Moran

If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls. — Dylan Moran

You know, people sometimes say to me, 'Do you prefer to do this or that, act or do stand-up or write' but the thing that I enjoy most is the difference between all of them, because you're always learning. I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything. I'm actually lucky to have the chance to fail at all of them. — Dylan Moran

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight. — Dylan Moran

I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother. — Dylan Moran

I've always wanted to visit [Washington]. The Smithsonian has some fantastic archival material on blues music, which I'm really into. There's a ton of stuff I want to do there. but it just never happened. — Dylan Moran

All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive — Dylan Moran

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! Fry her!! Fry her!" — Dylan Moran

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you. — Dylan Moran

People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move your eyes down to where your nipples used to be, put your breasts up on your head, everybody will pay attention! — Dylan Moran

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass. — Dylan Moran

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. — Dylan Moran

I do think it's perfectly natural and human to want to invest belief in something. It's just a facet of who we are. What do I believe in? I believe in the obvious things. The people I'm close to and my work - it's not complicated. — Dylan Moran

I’ve always been a big consumer of American journalism over the years and had an interest in the history of it and of the press in America; how it has changed. — Dylan Moran

If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere. — Dylan Moran

I do pauses, pauses work for me — Dylan Moran

I dislike both of [candidates] but there's obviously no choice in the election - if you're concerned about the future of anything, you need to vote for Hillary Clinton. — Dylan Moran

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two. — Dylan Moran

We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy. — Dylan Moran

I'm just a guy who happens to work in public from time to time. I've built a reputation as an established comic, not as a celebrity - a celebrity is someone who is famous but doesn't do anything. — Dylan Moran

I dont watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when youre alone and someones voice is coming through their work. Theres a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more. — Dylan Moran

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone. — Dylan Moran

I'll have to look into [Washington] D.C. a bit more. I know it's given over to the administration and the bureaucracy connected to it. It's a super-organism of the American state. But there's also a parallel city in there where normal people live. — Dylan Moran

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now. — Dylan Moran

‎What's the weather like? ... It's fierce mild! — Dylan Moran

When I was a child, I wanted to watch things that made me laugh. It's attacking boredom, as simple as that. I was 19 when I first went to a comedy club - I wanted to do it, so I gave it a try and that was it. I found my office. — Dylan Moran

I write all the time, but you just want to be careful what you put out. That's all. You want to have the confidence that you've done what you need to do to it, because otherwise it's an exercise in vanity. — Dylan Moran

I have used that song ["50ft Queenie"] and I'm a big PJ Harvey fan. I think she's fantastic. — Dylan Moran

You have to assume that you're talking to the most intelligent, tuned-in audience you could ever get. That's the way you're going to get the best out of people. Whether they know you or not shouldn't matter for comedy. They should get to know you pretty quickly. and they should be having a good time pretty quickly. — Dylan Moran

I don't really think of myself as an actor. — Dylan Moran

I was lucky in the sense that I was never blessed with an overly reflective nature. — Dylan Moran

The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms. — Dylan Moran

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? — Dylan Moran

The American political machinery is awesome to behold in its scale and expense and waste and madness. It's the greatest circus on Earth I suppose. — Dylan Moran

I'm organised in some ways, but not in others. — Dylan Moran

You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is! — Dylan Moran

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon! — Dylan Moran

You look like a horse in a man costume — Dylan Moran

Lots of comics try stuff out all year round, which is very sensible - I don't. — Dylan Moran

You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows. — Dylan Moran

That's a rather flippant quote "drinking and writing bad poetry" from me. I mean, I said it, but I was doing other stuff too. I certainly didn't manage the full stretch of four years. — Dylan Moran

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling. — Dylan Moran

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop — Dylan Moran

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies. — Dylan Moran

It's such a bullshit move. Transparently so. It's obviously supposed to give succor to people who feel pissed off because someone from another country got a job that they feel should've been given to them. But that's what people voted against here. They voted against the movement of labor - that kind of fluidity - because they want a Britain that no longer exists, and they can't get it. — Dylan Moran

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else. — Dylan Moran

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up! — Dylan Moran

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?! — Dylan Moran

Yeah, I think Michael has had to deal with that label of being Michael Caine for a long time. — Dylan Moran

I don't mind most religious people, I talk to them. I listen to them, you know, banging on. "I prayed very hard and then the fairy came." "Did he? Good. Have a biscuit." I only get annoyed when they try and make me see the fairy. "You have to let the fairy into your heart." Look, I wouldn't let him into my garden, okay? I'd shoot him on sight, if he existed, which he doesn't. Now have another biccie and be quiet, will you please? — Dylan Moran

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?' — Dylan Moran

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice." — Dylan Moran

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book. — Dylan Moran

You exaggerate your own reactions. — Dylan Moran

I've lived in the UK for longer than I lived in Ireland. I'm not worried about myself, but it's ridiculous for youngsters. — Dylan Moran

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake. — Dylan Moran

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight. — Dylan Moran

I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme. — Dylan Moran

Idioms are a big thing in Ireland. They want to fill the time, to show how good they are at talk - it's a talk-off — Dylan Moran

You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. — Dylan Moran

What is universal can be surprising. Over time you find the kind of stuff which has people thinking 'That is just something that occurred to me there's something wrong with me', is in fact stuff that is universal. — Dylan Moran

I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really what you're doing is occupying a series of positions on a landscape. — Dylan Moran

In the same way, there is some creature gnawing away inside of me, urging me to do things in different ways. — Dylan Moran

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here. — Dylan Moran

I have to say, as much I am respectful of people's faith and the idea of it being necessary for them, but when it comes to the Catholic church as an organization I don't have one scintilla of compassion, understanding, anything. I just think they're the most heinous, corrupt, separatingly vile organization that's ever been on the planet. — Dylan Moran

Life Lessons by Dylan Moran

1. Dylan Moran's work teaches us to embrace our own unique sense of humor, as well as to appreciate the absurdities and complexities of life.
2. His wit and dry humor can be a source of comfort and inspiration, reminding us to laugh at ourselves and the world around us.
3. By watching Dylan Moran, we can learn to appreciate the beauty of the everyday and to find humor in the mundane.