We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

— Felipe Esparza

The most revealing Felipe Esparza quotes that will inspire your inner self

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

17

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out;

go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

8

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

7

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

7

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car.

I looked at my cousin and I ran.

7

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

6

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

6

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

6

I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything.

I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.

5

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

4

I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings.

The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!

3

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

3

About Felipe Esparza

Quotes 40 sayings
Profession Comedian
Birthday June 11, 1976

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

3

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

2

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

2

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

1

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

0

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

0

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people.

I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

0

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

0

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

0

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

0

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat.

If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

0

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

0

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

0

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

0

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband.

And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

0

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

0

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships.

If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

0

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade.

It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

0

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

0

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me.

The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

0

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

0

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

0

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

0

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

0

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

0

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

0

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

0