Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.— Spike Milligan
The most passioned Spike Milligan quotes that will inspire your inner self
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart.
The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow.
He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
In the human race today, you came last.
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently
We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.
If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.
Its all in the mind, you know.
Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.
Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
A lot of learning canbe a little thing.
Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light
To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.
I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse
If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.
God made nightButMan made darkness.
There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.
There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.