Wanda Sykes Quotes

I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage recognized in Nevada, Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

As soon as you say 'I do,' you'll discover that marriage is like a car.

Both of you might be sitting in the front seat, but only one of you is driving. And most marriages are more like a motorcycle than a car. Somebody has to sit in the back, and you have to yell just to be heard.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer.

I want my enemy on a different planet.

Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots.

But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' "They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'

I don’t understand why people really get upset about something that doesn’t affect them at all.

If something stinks, I say it stinks.

But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.

With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

But I think funny and talent will always win out;

I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science.

If you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification.

You can hear the people laughing.

It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own comic, who you really are.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

We never hid anything from the kids. I feel whole again, I really do. I've told them, 'Mommy's boo-boo is much better now.'

I hate when women compare men to dogs.

Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.

I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker.

But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

I'm a comedian so I'm not waiting around for someone to write a part for me.

I don't have to wait for somebody else to create my next job; I have the ability to basically write my own ticket.

My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party.

I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

To me, political office should be like jury duty.

You should just get a notice in the mail one day and say, 'Aw, sh - , I'm secretary of state next month.

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

I had top-secret clearance and everything.

I was working on a couple of projects that would keep me involved in Desert Storm. I was in the mix, which is scary.

I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.

My worlds collide. When one things happens, it just starts a domino effect - everything else goes on.

Being gay is harder than being black.

I didn't have to come out black. I didn't have to tell my parents about what its like to be black.

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

I think the worst one [indian mascot] is the Cleveland Indians' Big Chief Wahoo.

It's just a red face on a baseball with a big, toothy grin. It's the Sambo of all other offensive mascots. I have never seen a Native American smile that hard before, not even at a casino opening.

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.

That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.

I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.