I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

— Hannibal Buress

The most profound Hannibal Buress quotes that will activate your desire to change

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.


I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.


There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches.

Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache but don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.


I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.


I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.


I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.


We'll keep you in our thoughts With the other bullshit in your heads? No, keep me out of your thoughts, because I hear some of the stuff you talk about and if that's close to what you're thinking about, I don't want to be around that, so keep me and my family out of your thoughts, unless you're thinking of making me a sandwich.


I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.


Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.


In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.


My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.


There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'


About Hannibal Buress

Quotes 45 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday October 16

I don't like when people say, 'I'll pray for you.

I'm going to pray for you. Praying for you.' You're going to pray for me? So you're going to sit at home and do nothing? 'Cause that's what your prayers are; you doing nothing while I struggle with a situation. Don't pray for me - make me a sandwich or something.


'SNL' is the first real job I've held for more than a month and a half.


I'm a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.


There's no room for failure performing [stand-up] for a black audience.

If you don't get them right away it's tough winning them back even if you're doing top-notch material. If you didn't win them right when you walked out there, it's tough.


The jokes now, it's just more stories and personal experiences.

And just talking about things that really happened. It's just becoming more comfortable as a performer, sharing my opinions on things, or things that've happened to me. That's where it's really going.


I've been doing stand-up longer than I've been doing anything.

It's just learning how to act on camera, trying to get better at that, figuring out how to make my humor translate and bounce off other people. It's not a big challenge, but the main thing is just trying to be on point and be the best I can be on these shows.


I'm not like a super duper sneaker head.

I got a couple pairs, but I'm not a "stand in line for sneakers" type of dude.


I like smoking at home. I like it to be one of the last things I do that day. I don't wake and bake at all; I couldn't do that. If I'm waking and baking, then I'm staying inside my place the rest of the day. I can't start my day off high.


I'd like to get more bit-acting roles.

I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.


I don't believe in cancer walks. Well, I believe in them because they exist but I'd rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own t-shirt, that's not incentive. Plus I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk. I don't think cancer's sitting at home, 'What? How many people walked how far? How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt? That's crazy! I'm out of here!' Remission.


Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.


God sounds kinda like a shitty father to me.

If God was so powerful why'd he have to give his son up? It sounds like God owed someone some money and they couldn't get to him, so they murked his son. That's what I really think happened. Jesus got stabbed up in an alley... but it's easier to sell crucifixes. You can't sell a pendant of someone getting shanked up In the alley. It's a marketing scheme.


I play myself on everything I do.


You want to grow where you came up so when you move, you get noticed easier.

You can grow in New York but it's better to come here already solid to get your reputation quicker.


When I'm doing shows I don't need much from a city.

All I'm looking for is a good meal and a decent spot to have a couple drinks.


My dad named me after Hannibal Barca, the Carthaginian general who attacked Rome. But nobody knows about him.


I feel like comedy is doing well right now because there's so many avenues to be seen. Whether it's through the Internet with social media or web videos and now there's so many networks and TV shows.


I've been going up and bombing everywhere. It's great. I love it. It's hilarious.


We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.


I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music - so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.


I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?


People like to compare something to something that they know.

Even with Chris Rock, they say he's like Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy.


I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day;

I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you weed people out of your life.


I didn't really get into comedy until a couple months before I started doing comedy.


Social media is interesting. It helps me connect with fans. It's immediate. It's a big part of my touring business - getting the word out via Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.


I can work as a writer, but I wanted to do stand-up.

And I knew I could, at worst, work as a stand-up. And I like to travel, and I knew I wanted to do an hour special, so in order to get ready for that, I had to hit the road.


I didn't audition for 'SNL.' I sent in a tape to 'SNL' the year before I started writing there, but I got the job there through doing stand-up on Fallon.


I think right now there's more TV shows than ever.

You've got network, you've got cable, you've got Netflix, you've got Hulu, even Amazon is putting out original content. So there's a lot of opportunities to find fans. You don't have to have a huge audience. You can cater to the people that like your stuff. So there is a boom in comedy and television and stand-up too through podcasting and all the different talk shows.


I smoke occasionally, but it's not a part of my routine. I mean, I don't need it.


If you want to do anything, you got to go do it.

Perform a lot, write a lot, make yourself better. Use the Internet, make videos, create content.


The more you progress, the more you learn.

I try to pay attention to ticket counts, draws, guarantees and bonuses. I look at my deals closely these days and try to come up with other projects and ideas, since this business [comedy] is about creating content.


When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.

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