Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

— Jasper Carrott

The most whopping Jasper Carrott quotes that will add value to your life

Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.

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Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles

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They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

6

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

4

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.

3

Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.

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I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.

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I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.

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There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.

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I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground.

But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy.

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I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.

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