Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

— Jasper Carrott

The most whopping Jasper Carrott quotes that will add value to your life

Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.


Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles


They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.


I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.


I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.


Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.


I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.


I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.


There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.


I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground.

But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy.


I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.