If you have a friend with a blond mustache, he wants to touch you.

— Pete Holmes

The most bumbling Pete Holmes quotes that are easy to memorize and remember

Be persistent and just keep going to open mics no matter what, even if just to watch and not perform. You'll find that even at your worst keep your head up because you'll still be better than other people's best.

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I'm trying to, with my stand-up and with the podcast, give people these little stupid things to give them happiness. I know that sounds lofty or like I'm starting a cult, but I kind of feel that way.

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I'm trying to manufacture a sleepover feel;

like a tree house or a clubhouse. I want people to be silly and play and feel safe and some people, you have to coax them into that space and some people bring me further into that space, even past the point that I wanted to go.

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One of my obsessions in life is that we have the tools to manufacture moments and real things, but it's overwhelming and there's a lot of fear and you think maybe you'll be rejected or embarrassed or somehow hurt emotionally. So we don't do the things we know we can do, but we can make people feel better and make people happier with compliments or just being positive and that sort of thing and sending it their way.

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I have never been political, which for a straight white man that's kind of a byproduct of privilege growing up that I was kind of like, "Who cares who the president is, everything is coming up privilege." But now things are so scary and crazy and I have to say I'm not a fan of Trump at all. I don't agree with him in any way.

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