Christmas: It's the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.— Samantha Bee
The most unbelievable Samantha Bee quotes that will add value to your life
Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker.
And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.
I'm capable of living in the moment. And I'm especially capable of living in the moment of sitting on my sofa and watching other people's moments.
Sex with my first boyfriend was a little bit like learning how to put in a tampon, but only half as enjoyable!
Kids do have to learn that life is a humiliating charade of endless disappointment and tragedy ultimately culminating in pain, decay, and death. My parents used to sing me to sleep with that one.
Don't judge me. I made a lot of money.
I dislike Ted Cruz as much as the next everyone.
But that's no reason to be rude to Ted's loving wife and possible hostage.
It's like you can't even go on the radio anymore and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without getting some blowback.
I grew up an only child, so I was so much more adult.
My eldest daughter is 10, and I was so much more of an adult than she is. She just doesn't care for the real world. She's not interested.
You've got to have gumption. You've got to be willing to stand up on the stage for no money for ten years.
The worst thing you can do to a dictator is laugh at him.
The best part about poker is there's no down side.
I believe in breakfast. It's the one meal that my kids usually eat without a fuss, so that's huge. As for myself, I can't function without it, and I see it as a great way to get some healthy greens in, some coffee, and on a good day, maybe even some news of the world via the newspaper.
I find Donald Trump so haphazard, and that keeps me up at night.
There's a very fine line between political comedian and activist, and I don't really think I fall over into the activist category.
I think NASCAR's coming to Canada now so it'll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid.
There's always going to be someone who hates you.
There's always going to be people who love you. It's a risk in either direction.
I can't claim to feel like I've been under some man's thumb in comedy.
I've sort of always done my own thing for better or worse, and have been lucky enough to be able to perform ever since.
I don't think the show would be funny to you if you didn't already have a base of information.
I'm shy, but I'm not clinically shy. I don't have social anxiety disorder or anything like that. I more have a gentle shyness. Like, I have a little trouble mingling at parties.
I know, it's amazing to people that we have a political system, but we do.
I was brought up to question things, but I was always a really quiet and shy child.
I was totally unknown in the television and film industry in Canada.
It was only a few years ago that I couldn't get hired to save my life.
It's very Canadian of me - or maybe it's more the Catholic schoolgirl in me - but I always really want to do a good job.
We definitely sometimes get stuff that's different that we were expecting.
I mean, that's part of the joy and the terror of interviewing real, live people. Sometimes they come along the journey with you, and most of the time they don't.
When you can agree on one thing, you should have no expectation that suddenly a person is converted to your way of thinking. You have to be willing to be frustrated constantly.
If you get mad about how your voice sounds when it comes out of your own mouth, it's not really my fault. Go ahead and be yourself.
I'm good at asking other people questions, but I'm not really good at answering questions.
Speaking for myself, I try to go out there on the stage and make jokes with people, so I'm not really thinking about the impact anything I have. If it does resonate with people, that's really great.
I want to get a gold star. And I know that there are places that I need to go in order to get the story right. I'd rather do it right than have to do it twice.
There's a danger zone if you take yourself too seriously.
It's a terrible trap to fall into. I think it's the death of comedy.
Sometimes you're just interviewing someone and you're thinking the entire time, How can I get through this really quickly? Because I know this isn't gonna make it. This person is either too long-winded or deathly boring, or they don't have the point of view that supports what you're trying to do in the piece. Or often people misrepresent themselves on the phone - what they're willing to say to you then, they're not willing to say in person.
Everybody is agreeing so tersely. I just had a flashback to the month before my parents finally admitted they were getting a divorce.
President Trump - God forbid - the country will be okay, I promise.
I don't know exactly what the country will look like, but we will survive it.
A lot of comedy is really DIY. You're kind of doing it yourself.
I want to go to someone's world. I'll buy it if the world is full of zombies - I'll live there if you give me a strong enough vision of what that world looks like.
I am a cookbook fanatic.
I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show.
Hopefully the person I'm trying to create is just a funny, dour, evil side of myself that has no other way to express itself. I don't model it after anyone in particular. Who would be like that? Who? I wouldn't want to meet that person. I wouldn't want to be interviewed by that person, I can tell you that.
More people need to inhabit this world.
I don't think I'm very much like the person I am on the show.
I'm certainly not as ambitious; no, that's not true, I'm kind of ambitious. In a nice way. But there's a part of me. A lot of me. There's a lot of what I think is funny.
You need to be able to agree from time to time if we're going to get anywhere.
Once you have started a civil dialogue, it's a much smoother road to compromise. The key thing to remember is it's a daily practice.
I get maximum satisfaction out of buying children's clothes online.
I take my citizenship extremely seriously.
I find myself drawn to the Constitution more and more with each passing day of Donald Trump's presidency.
It's very disconcerting to have a camera shoved in your face.
It's really discombobulating. If you're the least bit nervous you forget what you just said, you can't find your way through, you can't follow the logic of your own statements sometimes. It's a weird sensation. And I think that really helps to lock people in place.
I'm not even reading about the U.S. election, I'm just totally involved in the Canadian one.
You have to be willing to ask questions that almost no one else would ask.
If it wasn't for what goes on in the world of politics, we wouldn't really have much of a show.
If I could live in New York the rest of my life, I absolutely would, but it's also prohibitively expensive and you have to be working. New York is a lot nicer when you have a job.