110+ Henny Youngman Quotes (Quick, Witty And Iconic)

Henny Youngman was an American comedian and violinist. He was best known for his one-liner jokes and was often referred to as the "King of the One-Liners". He was a regular on the Ed Sullivan Show and was popular in the 1950s and 1960s.

Top 10 Henny Youngman Quotes

1. My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
2. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
3. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
4. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
5. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
6. A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
7. If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
8. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
9. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
10. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman Image Quotes

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. — Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. — Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. — Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman Short Quotes

• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
• My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
• It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
• I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
• The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.
• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
• If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.
• My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Henny Youngman Famous Quotes And Sayings

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair? — Henny Youngman

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house! — Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. — Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. — Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. — Henny Youngman

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' — Henny Youngman

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday. — Henny Youngman

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house! — Henny Youngman

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside. — Henny Youngman

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. — Henny Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" — Henny Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." — Henny Youngman

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" — Henny Youngman

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. — Henny Youngman

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. — Henny Youngman

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. — Henny Youngman

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!" — Henny Youngman

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini! — Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. — Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" — Henny Youngman

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" — Henny Youngman

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" — Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. — Henny Youngman

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" — Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! — Henny Youngman

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. — Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! — Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. — Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. — Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. — Henny Youngman

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" — Henny Youngman

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race... — Henny Youngman

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. — Henny Youngman

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. — Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. — Henny Youngman

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. — Henny Youngman

This man dresses like an unmade bed. — Henny Youngman

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess. — Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. — Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. — Henny Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping. — Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock. — Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. — Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. — Henny Youngman

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." — Henny Youngman

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. — Henny Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. — Henny Youngman

Old teachers never die, they just grade away. — Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. — Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown. — Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. — Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? — Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. — Henny Youngman

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. — Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. — Henny Youngman

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife. — Henny Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet. — Henny Youngman

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters. — Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. — Henny Youngman

The more I think of you, the less I think of you. — Henny Youngman

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory. — Henny Youngman

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. — Henny Youngman

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange. — Henny Youngman

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. — Henny Youngman

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want! — Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' — Henny Youngman

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman

I live about four muggings from Central Park. — Henny Youngman

On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls? — Henny Youngman

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?' — Henny Youngman

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. — Henny Youngman

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. — Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! — Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! — Henny Youngman

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!" — Henny Youngman

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. — Henny Youngman

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady? — Henny Youngman

Life Lessons by Henny Youngman

1. Henny Youngman taught us that humor can be used to diffuse difficult situations and bring people together.
2. He also showed us that it's important to be able to laugh at ourselves and not take life too seriously.
3. Lastly, he taught us that it's important to stay positive and keep a sense of optimism even when times are tough.