My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

— Henny Youngman

The most whopping Henny Youngman quotes that are life-changing and eye-opening

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?


A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five.

The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman quote When I read about the evils of drinking,

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.


If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.


A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

Henny Youngman quote If at first you don't succeed... so much

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.


A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.


If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.


Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.

The thief spends less than my wife did


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.


What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.


About Henny Youngman

Quotes 232 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday October 16

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.


I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'


It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.


A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am.

An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.


A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!


I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

.. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.


Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.


Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.


Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"


If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.


When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.


I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.


Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."


A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.

The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"


My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.


My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.


My horse's jockey was hitting the horse.

The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"


A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"


A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."


When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.


Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"


My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!


A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"


You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.


When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."