What are the best Henny Youngman quotes?

Accurate and famous quotes by Henny Youngman about marriage, first, wife, funny, love. Henny Youngman is well-known American comedian with many wise quotes. You can read the best of all time and enjoy Top 10 lists. Share the best Henny Youngman sayings with your friends and family.


  1. If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.


  2. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


  3. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.


  4. You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.




  5. You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.


  6. If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.


  7. I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.


  8. My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!


  9. How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'


  10. I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.


  11. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.


  12. She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.


  13. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.


  14. I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

    • marriage

  15. A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.


  16. My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.


  17. If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.


  18. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.


  19. I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.


  20. My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.


  21. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

    • marriage

  22. You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.


  23. You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.


  24. What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.


  25. A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.


  26. If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.


  27. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.


  28. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.


  29. Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.


  30. Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.



Top 10 quotes by Henny Youngman

  1. Top 10 quotes
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Henny Youngman image quotes

What are the best Henny Youngman images quotes? Read and bookmark finest sayings from Henny Youngman, embed as quotes on beautiful images. Those images have marriage quotes, first quotes, wife quotes, funny quotes, love quotes.


  1. Picture quote by Henny Youngman about funny

    When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.


  2. Picture quote by Henny Youngman about fun

    If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.


That are top sayings from Henny Youngman as picture quotes. Access more quotations by Henny Youngman with images on Pinterest.

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About Henny Youngman

Where is Henny Youngman from? Henny Youngman is American who said awesome wise words. Well-known and respected in American society for wise sayings. The following quotations and images represent the American nature embed in Henny Youngman's character.

What Henny Youngman was famous for? Henny Youngman is famous comedian with many good quotes. Influential and well recognized comedian all over the world. Browse a lot of Henny Youngman books and reference books with quotes from Henny Youngman on Amazon.


What are the best marriage quotes by Henny Youngman?


    The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

    • marriage

    I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

    • marriage

    She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

    • marriage

    Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


    Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

    • marriage

More marriage quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best first quotes by Henny Youngman?


    If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

    • funny

    My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

    • bed

    My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

    • army

    That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!


More first quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best wife quotes by Henny Youngman?


    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


    I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

    • love

    Take my wife... Please!


    My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

    • wife

More wife quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best funny quotes by Henny Youngman?


    If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

    • funny

    If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

    • funny

    When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

    • funny

More funny quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best love quotes by Henny Youngman?


    You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

    • love

    Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

    • marriage

    I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

    • love

More love quotes or go to table of contents


More quotes by Henny Youngman

Want some more good quotations by Henny Youngman? Explore the rest of 52 sayings by Henny Youngman.


This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!


She has a wash and wear bridal gown.


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.


My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.




I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  • everywhere

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

  • funny

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

  • marriage

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.


I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.


My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?


When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.


I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.


While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.


That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

  • first

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

  • funny

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  • wife

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.


I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

  • love

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  • anniversary

Take my wife... Please!

  • wife

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


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Comedians similar to Henny Youngman

Which comedian has the best quotes? Top quotes from famous comedians like the following.


Henny Youngman favorite topics

Henny Youngman is famous for his passion about marriage, first, wife, funny, love. Check out great quotations and affirmations on these topics.


Conclusion

That were all of the 52 quotes from Henny Youngman. Maybe some questions are in your head.

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When was Henny Youngman birthday? Henny Youngman was born on October 16.

Who is Henny Youngman? Some facts about Henny Youngman from biography. Henry "Henny" Youngman was a British-born American comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners," short, simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire. His best known (and oft misattributed) one-liner was "Take my wife—please".... Read more about Henny Youngman on Wikipedia or watch videos with quotes from Henny Youngman on YouTube. Browse a lot of books about Henny Youngman on Amazon to get more reference.

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