170 White Wine Quotes

Following is our list of white wine quotations and slogans full of insightful wisdom and perspective about good wine.

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Famous White Wine Quotes

Never, never trust anyone who asks for white wine. It means they're phonies. — Bette Davis

Forget the cheap white wine: go to beef and gin! — Julia Child

Good wine must drink together with a good friend. — Vietnamese Proverbs

Champagne is the only wine that enhances a woman's beauty. — Madame de Pompadour

Wine is bottled poetry. — Robert Louis Stevenson

When I pair food and wine, I start with the food. If I have a beautiful roasted bird, I might choose a Cabernet or Pinot Noir, or maybe a Syrah, depending on the sauce and what is in my cellar. — Jacques Pepin

Wine makes every meal an occasion, every table more elegant, every day more civilized. — Andre Simon

Wine is sunlight, held together by water. — Galileo Galilei

Wine ... offers a greater range for enjoyment and appreciation than possibly any other purely sensory thing which may be purchased. — Ernest Hemingway

It’s too much of a drinking culture, everything tastes better with a drink. Like, watch TV: glass of wine. Cooking dinner: glass of champagne. White wine vinegar hasn’t got white wine in it. Has it? — Amy Winehouse

In wine, there's truth. — Pliny The Elder

Wine is the most healthful and most hygienic of beverages. — Louis Pasteur

Wine is poetry in a bottle. — Clifton Fadiman

Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine. — Karl Marx

Wine to me is passion. It's family and friends. It's warmth of heart and generosity of spirit. — Robert Mondavi

Short White Wine Quotes

  • What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others. — Diogenes
  • A meal without wine is a day without sunshine. — Italian Proverbs
  • I like on the table, when we're speaking, the light of a bottle of intelligent wine. — Pablo Neruda
  • You can't beat a nice glass of Chardonnay after a really long, hard day. — Suzanne Shaw
  • Champagne offers a minimum of alcohol and a maximum of companionship. — David Niven
  • The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner. — Henny Youngman
  • If Claret is the king of natural wines, Burgundy is the queen. — Moliere
  • Drinking good wine with good food in good company is one of life's most civilized pleasures. — Michael Broadbent
  • Wine brings to light the hidden secrets of the soul. — Horace
  • Food and wine. Decide which is the soloist, which the accompanist. — Michael Broadbent
White wine quote Life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the black shows sadness, but as you go
Life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the black shows sadness, but as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also makes music.

Red Wine Quotes

Give me a flagon of red wine, a book of verses, a loaf of bread, and a little idleness. If with such store I might sit by thy dear side in some lonely place, I should deem myself happier than a king in his kingdom. — Omar Khayyam

Grains and beans are negative aspects of the Mediterranean Diet that are countered by the large amounts of olive-oil polyphenols, large amounts of red-wine polyphenols, and fish. — Steven Gundry

Red wine makes good blood. — Italian Proverbs

White wine quote Give a man a bottle of wine, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to make wine, he'll always have lots o
Give a man a bottle of wine, he drinks for a day. Teach a man to make wine, he'll always have lots of friends

I have a neighbor who knows 200 types of wine. ... I only know two types of wine - red and white. But my neighbor only knows two types of countries - industrialized and developing. And I know 200. — Hans Rosling

This is the dream of all the world. The dream is to live in Granada. You know, work in the morning, have a one-hour in the afternoon, at night go out and have that life. You know. Go out and see your friends and eat tapa and drink red wine and be in a beautiful place. — Anthony Bourdain

A good margarita, a good red wine, I like expensive alcohol, but not a lot of it. I don't like to throw up. — Denise Richards

White wine quote We're just trying to find some color in this black and white world
We're just trying to find some color in this black and white world

Wherever the Catholic sun doth shine, There’s always laughter and good red wine. At least I’ve always found it so. Benedicamus Domino! — Hilaire Belloc

Candlelight and red wine? I don't know. Vulnerability catches me off guard every single time. — Madi Diaz

The only advice I can give to aspiring writers is don't do it unless you're willing to give your whole life to it. Red wine and garlic also helps. — Jim Harrison

And her sweet red lips on these lips of mine Burned like the ruby fire set In the swinging lamp of a crimson shrine, Or the bleeding wounds of the pomegranate, Or the heart of the lotus drenched and wet With the spilt-out blood of the rose-red wine. — Oscar Wilde

Good Wine Quotes

Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine. - Thomas Aquinas

Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine. — Thomas Aquinas

Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough. - Mark Twain

Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough. — Mark Twain

Wine and cheese are ageless companions, like aspirin and aches, or June and moon, or good people and noble ventures. — M. F. K. Fisher

White wine quote In wine, there's truth.
In wine, there's truth.

Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant. — Washington Irving

It is well known among physicians that the best of the nourishing foods is the one that the Moslem religion forbids, i.e., Wine. It contains much good and light nourishment. It is rapidly digested and helps to digest other foods. — Maimonides

Happiness is a chance to talk to a friend, to hear good music, to have a good glass of wine. Happiness is a chance to be myself and to find people with whom I agree or who I don't agree but I can learn something. — Maya Angelou

White wine quote I dont care if you're black, white, short, tall, skinny, rich   or poor. If you respect me I'll resp
I dont care if you're black, white, short, tall, skinny, rich or poor. If you respect me I'll respect you

The Italians always made good wine, but you had the impression they were friendly guys in straw hats running family vineyards with slaves or something so that the vino was never more than ten bucks a bottle. — Joe Bob Briggs

I know never to take a wine for granted. Drawing a cork is like attendance at a concert or at a play that one knows well, when there is all the uncertainty of no two performances ever being quite the same. That is why the French say, 'There are no good wines, only good bottles.' — Gerald Asher

If food is the body of good living, wine is its soul. — Clifton Fadiman

I've always wanted to improve on the idea of living well, In moderation, wine is good for you - mentally, physically, and spiritually. — Robert Mondavi

French Wine Quotes

Whoever would have guessed that in the land of cheap sausages and mashed potatoes there could be such a change which would actually bring the French from Paris every weekend to invade Britain en masse to eat great food and drink great wine. — Robin Leach

The older I get, the better I used to be. — Lee Trevino

The older I get, the better I was. — Van Dyke Parks

White wine quote Coffee keeps me busy until it is acceptable to drink wine
Coffee keeps me busy until it is acceptable to drink wine

If God forbade drinking, would He have made wine so good? — Cardinal Richelieu

Life is too short to drink bad wine. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Drinking wine was not a snobbism nor a sign of sophistication nor a cult; it was as natural as eating and to me as necessary. — Ernest Hemingway

White wine quote Black-and-white always looks modern, whatever that word means.
Black-and-white always looks modern, whatever that word means.

Give me books, French wine, fruit, fine weather and a little music played out of doors by somebody I do not know. — John Keats

My only regret in life is that I did not drink more wine. — Ernest Hemingway

Life's too short to drink bad wine or smoke poor cigars. — Don Johnson

Wine rejoices the heart of man and joy is the mother of all virtues. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Great Wine Quotes

What do you have to fear? Nothing. Whom do you have to fear? No one. Why? Because whoever has joined forces with God obtains three great privileges: omnipotence without power, intoxication without wine, and life without death. — Francis of Assisi

it's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine ... it's summertime! - Kenny Chesney

it's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine ... it's summertime! — Kenny Chesney

Great wine requires a mad man to grow the vine, a wise man to watch over it, a lucid poet to make it, and a lover to drink it. — Salvador Dali

White wine quote Good wine is a necessity of life for me.
Good wine is a necessity of life for me.

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world. — Louis Pasteur

If penicillin can cure those that are ill, Spanish sherry can bring the dead back to life. — Alexander Fleming

Ah! How sweet coffee tastes! Lovelier than a thousand kisses, sweeter far than muscatel wine! — Johann Sebastian Bach

White wine quote Wine is bottled poetry
Wine is bottled poetry

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason — W. C. Fields

Either give me more wine or leave me alone. — Rumi

A gourmet meal without a glass of wine just seems tragic to me somehow. — Kathy Mattea

I always love being in the company of women. It's all about good conversation and great wine. — Naomi Watts

Wine Quotes

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou. - Omar Khayyam

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou. — Omar Khayyam

Not by gain our life is measured, But by what we've lost 'Tis scored; 'Tis not how much wine is drunken But how much has been outpoured. For the strength of love never standeth In the sacrifice we bear; He who has the greatest suffering Ever has the most to share. — Watchman Nee

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. — Benjamin Franklin

White wine quote There is no losing in jiu jitsu. You either win or you learn.
There is no losing in jiu jitsu. You either win or you learn.

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth — Jim Harrison

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese — Steven Wright

Drink wine. This is life eternal. This is all that youth will give you. It is the season for wine, roses and drunken friends. Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life. — Omar Khayyam

White wine quote Spilling a glass of wine is the adult equivalent of letting of go a balloon.
Spilling a glass of wine is the adult equivalent of letting of go a balloon.

Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy. — Alexander Fleming

When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore. - Dean Martin

When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore. — Dean Martin

Relish love in your old age! Aged love is like aged wine; it becomes more satisfying, more refreshing, more valuable, more appreciated and more intoxicating! — Leo Buscaglia

There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne. — Bette Davis

Sweet Wine Quotes

...lust is only a sweet poison for the weakling, but for those who will with a lion's heart it is the reverently reserved wine of wines. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Quinquireme of Nineveh from distant Ophir, Rowing home to haven in sunny Palestine, With a cargo of ivory, And apes and peacocks, Sandalwood, cedarwood, and sweet white wine. — John Masefield

A bottle of wine begs to be shared; I have never met a miserly wine lover. — Clifton Fadiman

Through Love all that is bitter will be sweet, Through Love all that is copper will be gold, Through Love all dregs will become wine, through Love all pain will turn to medicine. — Rumi

Bacchus, that first from out the purple grape Crush'd the sweet poison of misused wine. — John Milton

Unlike water or wine or even Coca-Cola, sweet tea means something. It is a tell, a tradition. Sweet tea isn't a drink, really. It's culture in a glass. — Allison Glock

When you came, you were like red wine and honey, and the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness. — Amy Lowell

You may think life is sweet now, but when death is a heartbeat away then life becomes unbearably desirable. And when you survive, everything you do will be enhanced and filled with greater joy: the sunlight, the breeze, a good wine, a woman's lips, a child's laughter. — David Gemmell

Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words. — Plautus

I invite all brats to throw their cookies at the baker's head if they're not sweet, winos to chuck their wine if it's bad, the dying to shuck their souls when they croak, and men to throw their existence in God's face when it's bitter — Gustave Flaubert

White Bread Quotes

People in the early 1900s thought soda was healthy. People in the 1950s thought white bread was healthy. People in the 1990s thought margarine was healthy. What's something most of us think is healthy today that future people will shake their heads at? — Tim Urban

You know how ESPN works; they'll throw themselves into a frenzy over Tebow's white bread lame ass niceness and then vilify Johnny Football just 'cause he rages now and then. — Dabo Swinney

I eat a huge breakfast every morning - it's what I look forward to. I'll do steel-cut oatmeal with blueberries and strawberries, an egg white scramble with mushrooms, zucchini, and onion, and a piece of cinnamon Ezekiel bread with almond butter. I could do that every single day. — Heather Mitts

Most brown bread is merely white bread with a fake tan. — Joel Fuhrman

"She can't do Subtraction." said the White Queen. "Can you do Division? Divide a loaf by a knife-what's the answer to that?" "I suppose-" Alice was beginning, but the Red Queen answered for her. "Bread-and-butter, of course." — Lewis Carroll

Perfect sandwich? Two slices of white bread, mustard, mayo and a platinum American Express card. — Chris Pratt

People who eat white bread have no dreams. — Diana Vreeland

My father used to always say to me that, you know, if a guy goes out to steal a loaf of bread to feed his family, they'll give him 10 years, but a guy can do white-collar crime and steal the money of thousands and he'll get probation and a slap on the wrist. — Jesse Ventura

In our short walks we passed the kitchen where food was prepared for the nurses and doctors. There we got glimpses of melons and grapes and all kinds of fruits, beautiful white bread and nice meats, and the hungry feeling would be increased tenfold. — Nellie Bly

The path to obesity is paved with bacon and white bread; the way to skinny is built on apples and Ezekiel. — Bob Harper

Wine Making Quotes

I made wine from the lilac tree/Put my heart in its recipe/It makes me see what I want to see/And be what I want to be — Nina Simone

Music is the wine which inspires one to new generative processes, and I am Bacchus who presses out this glorious wine for mankind and makes them spiritually drunken. — Ludwig van Beethoven

Burgundy makes you think of silly things; Bordeaux makes you talk about them, and Champagne makes you do them. — Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

I put everything I can into the mulberry of my mind and hope that it is going to ferment and make a decent wine. How that process happens, I'm sorry to tell you I can't describe. — John Hurt

In the abstract art of cooking, ingredients trump appliances, passion supersedes expertise, creativity triumphs over technique, spontaneity inspires invention, and wine makes even the worst culinary disaster taste delicious. — Bob Blumer

Anyone who tries to make you believe that he knows all about wines is obviously a fake. — Leon Adams

I have the ability to create and be in touch with God. I can't change bread and wine into body and blood, but I can take the scum or the slime of the earth and make it into a man or woman. — J. F. Powers

Good company, good wine, good welcome, can make good people. — William Shakespeare

I am certain that the good Lord never intended grapes to be made into grape jelly. — Fiorello H. La Guardia

Close friends contribute to our personal growth. They also contribute to our personal pleasure, making the music sound sweeter, the wine taste richer, the laughter ring louder because they are there. — Judith Viorst

Wine Bottle Quotes

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Charles Baudelaire

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. — Charles Baudelaire

Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle. — Paulo Coelho

We sat around on a hotel balcony with a bottle of wine and tried to figure out how you would go about blowing up a planet. That's the kind of conversations science fiction writers have when they get together. We don't talk about football or anything like that. — Kevin J. Anderson

New weapons require new tactics. Never put new wine into old bottles. — Heinz Guderian

The man shows a pig leg; the woman shows a bottle of wine. — Vietnamese Proverbs

They [letters] are my friends Some people look at bottles of wine, or whatever - girls' bottoms - I get kicks out of looking at type. — Erik Spiekermann

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner. Tactics is getting her to drink it. — Frank Muir

Always keep a bottle of Champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes, the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of Champagne in the fridge. — Hester Browne

You have only so many bottles in your life, never drink a bad one. — Len Evans

I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I'd opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it's constantly evolving and gaining complexity. — Virginia Madsen

Chardonnay Wine Quotes

Remember gentleman, it's not just France we're fighting for, it's Champagne! — Winston Churchill

Pinot noir is the ultimate wine to have at the table. It's a white wine masquerading as red...[while] chardonnay is a red masquerading as a white. — Kevin Zraly

I can certainly see that you know your wine. Most of the guests who stay here wouldn't know the difference between Bordeaux and Claret. — John Cleese

Where there is no wine there is no love. — Euripides

Wine is the most civilized thing in the world. — Ernest Hemingway

Drunken with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you will. But be drunken. — Eugene O'Neill

Wine makes every meal an occasion. — Andre Simon

A man will be eloquent if you give him good wine. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think it is a great error to consider a heavy tax on wines as a tax on luxury. On the contrary, it is a tax on the health of our citizens. — Thomas Jefferson

Nothing makes the future look so rosy as to contemplate it through a glass of Chambertin. — Napoleon Bonaparte

People Writing About White Wine

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Julia Child
quotes on love, cooking and marriage

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Read quotes by Vietnamese Proverbs

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Read quotes by Robert Louis Stevenson

Robert Louis Stevenson
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Read quotes by Jacques Pepin

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Read quotes by Andre Simon

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More White Wine Quotes

As I ate the oysters with their strong taste of the sea and their faint metallic taste that the cold white wine washed away, leaving only the sea taste and the succulent texture, and as I drank their cold liquid from each shell and washed it down with the crisp taste of the wine, I lost the empty feeling and began to be happy and to make plans. — Ernest Hemingway

Don't you hate people who drink white wine? I mean, my dear, every alcoholic in town is getting falling-down drunk on white wine. They think they aren't drunks because they only drink wine. Never, never trust anyone who asks for white wine. It means they're phonies. — Bette Davis

Give me books, fruit, French wine and fine weather and a little music out of doors, played by someone I do not know. I admire lolling on a lawn by a water-lilied pond to eat white currants and see goldfish: and go to the fair in the evening if I'm good. There is not hope for that --one is sure to get into some mess before evening. — John Keats

The music, and the banquet, and the wine-- The garlands, the rose odors, and the flowers, The sparkling eyes, and flashing ornaments-- The white arms and the raven hair--the braids, And bracelets; swan-like bosoms, and the necklace, An India in itself, yet dazzling not. — Lord Byron

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying. — Demetri Martin

I'm only drinking white wine because I'm on a diet and I don't eat. — Oliver Reed

My fantasy is to have a restaurant where there are no written menus, but where you just ask people, What are you in the mood for? Fish? Meat? White wine? — Charlie Trotter

I don’t trust the answers or the people who give me the answers. I believe in dirt and bone and flowers and fresh pasta and salsa cruda and red wine. I don’t believe in white wine; I insist on color. — Charles Bowden

I come from a family of communist nudists. I was allowed to do or not do what I liked. My parents were not interested in whether I went to school or got drunk on white wine. — Lars von Trier

The fashion industry isn't merely content to encase my meaty flanks in skintight denim. Oh, no! That denim also has to be white, a color that attracts ketchup, wine, garlic aioli, and any other foodstuffs I might otherwise be able to enjoy if I wasn't wearing ridiculously tight pants. — Diablo Cody

Halloween is tomorrow. A group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, "White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and ... we're alcoholics, aren't we? — Jimmy Fallon

I had a little epiphany when I was a writer at 'Chicago' magazine. I sat down to dinner at the Ritz-Carlton. Somebody poured a white dessert wine with chocolate cake. It was a wine I would never have expected to make sense. The idea of any wine tasting fabulous with chocolate cake was fascinating to me. — Ted Allen

And I have the sunset, and the Tuscan wine, and the white teeth of the women in Rome. I am a traveler in Romance. — W. Somerset Maugham

I love white Portugal wine better than claret, champagne, or burgundy. I have a sad vulgar appetite. — Jonathan Swift

Is not old wine wholesomest, old pippins toothsomest, old wood burn brightest, old linen wash whitest? Old soldiers, sweethearts, are surest, and old lovers are soundest. — John Webster

The weak and insipid white wine makes at length excellent vinegar. — William Shenstone

I like sweet wines. My idea has always been that when you're young, you like sweet wines; and then you get sophisticated, and you drink dry white; and then you get knowledgeable, and you drink heavy reds; and then you get old, and you drink sweet again. — Sally Jessy Raphael

White wine is like electricity. Red wine looks and tastes like a liquified beefsteak. — James Joyce

[I normally go-to] whiskey on the rocks. Or a beer. Or with dinner, a glass of white wine. — Scott Eastwood

I'm still not a very good white wine, but I'm drinkable - you could put me in a punch, anyway. — Nick Hornby

My favorite to cook is this recipe I've been making since I was 12 years old with my mom, and it's an angel hair shrimp pasta with tomatoes, feta, garlic, white wine - it's so easy but so fresh and so delicious! — Devon Windsor

Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump's winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine. — Jimmy Fallon

Beaujolais is the only white wine that happens to be red. — Karen MacNeil

Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat & stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame crimson, and I am content"......Conan the Cimmerian. — Robert E. Howard

Different drinks have different metaphorical weight. Wine's heady, gin is poisonous, vodka's cold, and beer is plain boring. In real life, I'm a big fan of boxed white wine, much to the dismay of my more refined friends. — Cate Marvin

Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer. — Jon Stewart

The first duty of wine is to be red. Don't talk to me of your white wines. — Henri Murger

To endow the writer publicly with a good fleshly body, to reveal that he likes dry white wine and underdone steak, is to make even more miraculous for me, and of a more divine essence, the products of his art. Far from the details of his daily life bringing nearer to me the nature of his inspiration and making it clearer, it is the whole mystical singularity of his condition which the writer emphasizes by such confidences. For I cannot but ascribe to some superhumanly the existence of beings vast enough to wear blue pajamas at the very moment when they manifest themselves as universal conscience. — Roland Barthes

Every season is likeable, and wet days and fine, red wine and white, company and solitude. Even sleep, that deplorable curtailment of the joy of life, can be full of dreams; and the most common actions — Virginia Woolf

First of all, let's get one thing straight. Your Italy and our Italia are not the same thing. Italy is a soft drug peddled in predictable packages, such as hills in the sunset, olive groves, lemon trees, white wine, and raven-haired girls. Italia, on the other hand, is a maze. It's alluring, but complicated. It's the kind of place that can have you fuming and then purring in the space of a hundred meters, or in the course of ten minutes. Italy is the only workshop in the world that can turn out both Botticellis and Berlusconis. — Beppe Severgnini

I didn't even like white wine. Then I tasted it and bought a case. It was the first case of any wine I'd ever bought. — Tim Ferriss

Words become, 'product', so that it is as though you'd bought a 'hand-cooked' packet of crisps; there are different makes, various flavours, but in the end, they're all rather similar and while eating them while sipping white wine makes you feel posher than if you'd bought the bog-standard ones, afterwards you don't remember very much about them. — Suhayl Saadi

Trivial details have been summoned, in part, to make a satirical point about upper-middle-class marriage-that the whole thing can slip away between the white wine and the arugula salad. — David Denby

I liked wine, both red and white, and especially Champagne; and on very special occasions I could even drink a small glass of brandy. — Winston Churchill

The castled crag of Drachenfels, Frowns o'er the wide and winding Rhine, Whose breast of waters broadly swells Between the banks which bear the vine, And hills all rich with blossom'd trees, And fields which promise corn and wine, And scatter'd cities crowning these, Whose far white walls along them shine. — Lord Byron

I make a wicked clam chowdah, and linguine with clam sauce. Oysters I like to eat raw, and mussels in either a white wine sauce or in beer with paprika. — Jim Himes

To the sun Rome owes its underlying glow, and its air called golden - to me, more the yellow of white wine; like wine it raises agreeability to poetry. — Elizabeth Bowen

Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' — Pat Paulsen

Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year at which you stand in the corner of your writing room, shouting very loudly to yourself while drinking a bottle of white wine. Then masturbate under the desk. The following day you will feel a deep and cohering sense of embarrassment. — Will Self

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