I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.
— Seve Ballesteros
Revealing Funny Golf quotations
Luck is predictable; the harder you work, the luckier you get.
I never learned anything from a match that I won.
You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about.
It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
The most important shot in golf is the next one.
I'd like to see the fairways more narrow.
Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me.
Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.
The woods are full of long drivers.
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
Of all the hazards, fear is the worst.
Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I've played the game for 40 years and I still haven't the slightest idea how to play.
I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer.
That's the distance my left ear is from my right.
One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot - the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.
Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around.
You know what they say about big hitters...the woods are full of them.
Golf's a funny game. You can be playing poorly and then go and win a tournament.
Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.
Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot.
The older I get, the better I was.
The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.
I really stay busy [in retirement]. I often have to cancel my golf games on the weekends to go play in tennis tournaments.
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
My handicap? Woods and irons.
Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose
How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.
I'm the best. I just haven't played yet.
Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
Golf is a game in which you claim the privileges of age, and retain the playthings of childhood.
The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf;
the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.
My mom's been having a hard time lately.
She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
To me, life is like the back nine in golf.
Sometimes you play better on the back nine. You may not be stronger, but hopefully you're wiser. And if you keep most of your marbles intact, you can add a note of wisdom to the coming generation.
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.