quote by George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

— George Carlin

Lavish Sarcastic quotations

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.'

I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

It's better to be a dictator than gay.

A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

There are no nudists in cold areas.

The best things in life are free

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

You're a parasite for sore eyes.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.

I looked down at my clothes. They were slashed to pieces and full of bullet holes, but I was fine. Not a mark on me. Nico's mouth hung open. "You just . . . with a sword . . . you just—" "I think the river thing worked," I said. "Oh gee," he said sarcastically. "You think?

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.

If you think research is expensive, try disease!

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