If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.— Groucho Marx
Lavish Sarcastic quotations
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.'
It's better to be a dictator than gay.
A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
There are no nudists in cold areas.
His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
The best things in life are free
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
You're a parasite for sore eyes.
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.
I looked down at my clothes. They were slashed to pieces and full of bullet holes, but I was fine. Not a mark on me. Nico's mouth hung open. "You just . . . with a sword . . . you just—" "I think the river thing worked," I said. "Oh gee," he said sarcastically. "You think?
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed.