Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.— Mark Twain
Unpopular Hilarious quotations
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
In a theatre it happened that a fire started off stage.
The clown came out to tell the audience. They thought it was a joke and applauded. He told them again, and they became still more hilarious. This is the way, I suppose, that the world will be destroyed-amid the universal hilarity of wits and wags who think it is all a joke.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers...I mean Chargers.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking.
Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
My life is an open book. With illustrations.
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Anybody wants to call me the Triple H of Ring of Honor, I think that's hilarious. I would prefer to call Triple H the CM Punk of the WWE.
I loved this smart, funny, big-hearted novel.
As hilarious and wise as early Philip Roth, The Mathematician's Shiva will delight and move you.
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage.
Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.
I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.
At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious.