Golf is the most fun you can have with out taking your clothes off. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course — Bobby Jones
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. — Ray Floyd
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. — Chuck Hogan
Golf is a non-violent game played violently from within. — Bob Toski
Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around. — Rick Reilly
Golf is just a game - and an idiotic game most of the time. — Mark Calcavecchia
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino
Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting. — Peter Dobereiner
Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation. — Grantland Rice
Golf's a funny game. You can be playing poorly and then go and win a tournament. — Karrie Webb
Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf. — Brent Musburger
The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it. — Bob Allen
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon
Short Funny Golf Quotes
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens. — Bob Hope
Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have. — Harvey Penick
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. — Kevin Costner
Golf is like love. One day you think you are too old and the next day you want to do it again. — Roberto De Vicenzo
Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent's. — Grantland Rice
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it. — Jimmy Demaret
Golf is not a game of good shots. It's a game of bad shots. — Ben Hogan
One travels like a golf ball, hopping from green to green. — John Gunther
Golf is the only game I know of that actually becomes harder the longer you play it. — Bobby Jones
Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot. — Dave Marr
Funny Golf Image Quotes
Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake. — Sylvester Stallone
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
Humorous Golf Quotes
I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you. — Seve Ballesteros
Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy. — Amy Alcott
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" — Henny Youngman
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. — Gene Perret
Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something. They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor. — Martin Sheen
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out. — Anne, Princess Royal
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot. — Don Adams
Golf Humor Quotes
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. — Bob Hope
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. — Ben Hogan
A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. — Anthony Jeselnik
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. — George Brett
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. — Jack Nicklaus
Trust me, You can dance.
If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot. — Sam Snead
Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. — P. G. Wodehouse
Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses... — Adlai Stevenson I
Golf Jokes Quotes
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. — Confucius
Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. — Bruce Lansky
Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. — Winston Churchill
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. — Henry Beard
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. — Brian Weiss
The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things. — John Updike
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. — Gene Perret
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass. — Bob Hope
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. — Tom Mulligan
Playing Golf Quotes
Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play the ball where it lies. — Bobby Jones
A smart girl is one who knows how to play tennis, golf, piano -- and dumb. — Marilyn Monroe
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game. — Don Rickles
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
You might as well praise a man for not robbing a bank as to praise him for playing by the rules. — Bobby Jones
The real way to enjoy playing golf is to take pleasure not in the score, but in the execution of strokes. — Bobby Jones
I wasn't this nervous playing golf when I was drinking. It's the first tournament I've won on the PGA Tour in a sober manner, so it's a great feeling knowing I can do it sober. I don't think two years ago I could have pulled this off. — John Daly
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for awhile.
When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth. — Bernie Mac
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
The rewards of golf, and of life too I expect, are worth very little if you don't play the game by the etiquette as well as by the rules. — Bobby Jones
In order to win, you must play your best golf when you need it most, and play your sloppy stuff when you can afford it. I shall not attempt to explain how you achieve this happy timing. — Bobby Jones
Great Golf Quotes
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch. — Lee Trevino
It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it. — Jack Nicklaus
You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about. — Bobby Jones
Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong
I never learned anything from a match that I won. — Bobby Jones
The older I get, the better I used to be. — Lee Trevino
The most important shot in golf is the next one. — Ben Hogan
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. — Lee Trevino
One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot - the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something. — Peter Jacobsen
Never concede the putt that beats you. — Harry Vardon
Good Golf Quotes
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain
All seasoned players know, or at least have felt, that when you are playing your best, you are much the same as in a state of meditation. You are free of tension and chatter. You are concentrating on one thing. It is the ideal condition for good golf. — Harvey Penick
Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive. — Harvey Penick
No-one will ever have golf under his thumb. No round ever will be so good it could not have been better. Perhaps this is why golf is the greatest of games. You are not playing a human adversary; you a playing a game. You are playing old man par. — Bobby Jones
I am tired of all these golfers who are happy with second place. The only one who will like you if you come in second place is your wife and your dog. And that is only if you have a good wife and a good dog. — Gary Player
A good player who is a great putter is a match for any golfer. A great hitter who cannot putt is a match for no one. — Ben Sayers
John certainly gives it a good hit, doesn't he? My Sunday best is a Wednesday afternoon compared to him. — Nick Faldo
It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot. — Nubar Gulbenkian
Golf is a game you can never get too good at. You can improve, but you can never get to where you master the game. — Gay Brewer
A strong mind is one of the key components that separates the great from the good. — Gary Player
Golf Love Quotes
I used to think that elder love, if it even existed, was confined to rocking chairs or golf carts, that it had to be a dull business because of the physical limitations of age. — Nora Johnson
Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day. You have to play the whole game. — Phil Blackmar
My dad's method in his madness was to try every sport and then observe what I liked. I played football, tennis, golf, cricket but I loved my snooker. — Ronnie O'Sullivan
Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling. — Madonna Ciccone
I love baseball, but being here (in the United States), I've been able to play golf every day. I can't play in Japan because every course has caddies, and the caddies all want autographs and don't want to let me golf. — Ichiro Suzuki
Does Grandpa love to baby-sit his grandchildren? Are you kidding? By day he is too busy taking hormone shots at the doctor's or chip shots on the golf course. At night he and Grandma are too busy doing the cha-cha. — Hal Boyle
They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? — Casey Stengel
Golf is a nice game, but that's all. It's never going to be an exciting game to watch on TV. It's not a circus and never will be one. The audience for golf is not going to change significantly. It's always going to be people who play it, understand it, and love it. — Jack Nicklaus
From Here to Eternity' happens to be fourteen-carat entertainment. The main trouble is that it is too entertaining for a film in which love affairs flounder, one sweet guy is beaten to death, and a man of high principles is mistaken for a saboteur and killed on a golf course. — Manny Farber
Golf is very much like a love affair. If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. Don't break your heart, but flirt with the possibility. — Louise Suggs
Golf Course Quotes
Emerald as heavy as a golf course, ruby as dark as an afterbirth, diamond as white as sun on the sea. — Anne Sexton
You can spend the money on new housing for poor people and the homeless, or you can spend it on a football stadium or a golf course. — Jello Biafra
Golf is assuredly a mystifying game. It would seem that if a person has hit a golf ball correctly a thousand times, he should be able to duplicate the performance at will. But such is certainly not the case. — Bobby Jones
If there is one thing I have learned during my years as a professional, it is that the only thing constant about golf is its inconstancy. — Jack Nicklaus
You know I need that cockiness, the self-belief, arrogance, swagger, whatever you want to call it, I need that on the golf course to bring the best out of myself. So you know once I leave the golf course, you know that all gets left there. — Rory McIlroy
A lot of my buddies also played golf, but when it came to going to the beach or on the boat and chasing girls, they usually went that way and I went to the golf course. — Mike Weir
I get as much fun as the next man from whaling the ball as hard as I can and catching it squarely on the button. But from sad experience I learned not to try this in a round that meant anything. — Bobby Jones
Of course, money matters to everyone even if some don't want to admit it. If I won the Race to Dubai, I look at that prize money and think it could pay off my new house or the range I'm building. I am privileged to play golf for a living - look around St Andrews, that's my office. — Sayings
Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. — Red Skelton
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. — Lee Trevino
Golf Putting Quotes
Luck is predictable; the harder you work, the luckier you get. — Brian Tracy
Who can say I have a bad swing? The only thing that matters in golf is the score you put on the board. You don't have to look pretty out there, you have to win. Look at my record and tell me who has a better swing than mine. — Lee Trevino
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money. — Lee Trevino
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top. — Pete Dye
The more I practice, the luckier I get. — Jerry Barber
A tap-in is a putt that is short enough to be missed one-handed. — Henry Beard
I've heard people say putting is 50 percent technique and 50 percent mental. I really believe it is 50 percent technique and 90 percent positive thinking, see, but that adds up to 140 percent, which is why nobody is 100 percent sure how to putt. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. — Ernest Hemingway
Pawn endings are to Chess what putting is to golf — Cecil Purdy
Keep close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt. — Sam Snead
Funniest Sports Quotes
Booze, broads and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need? — Harry Caray
I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers...I mean Chargers. — Bill Belichick
They don't think it be like it is, but it do. — Oscar Gamble
Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye. — Bum Phillips
I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church. — Robin Williams
I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it. — Rocky Graziano
This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. — Ted Walsh
When you're rich, you don't write checks. Straight cash, homey. — Randy Moss
When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys, there's no better feeling than to have that done. — Matt Stairs
We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us. — Ruud Gullit
I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me. — Seve Ballesteros
The older I get, the better I was. — Van Dyke Parks
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray. — Lee Trevino
Of all the hazards, fear is the worst. — Sam Snead
You know what they say about big hitters...the woods are full of them. — Jimmy Demaret
I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right. — Ben Crenshaw
I really stay busy [in retirement]. I often have to cancel my golf games on the weekends to go play in tennis tournaments. — Richard Davies
My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli
Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I've played the game for 40 years and I still haven't the slightest idea how to play. — Gary Player
Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky. — Lee Trevino
You've just one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you've hit it. — Sam Snead
Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger. — Arnold Palmer
That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf. — Bill Bailey
That was a great game of golf, fellers. — Bing Crosby
The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap. — Dave Barry
In Conclusion
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