I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. — Henny Youngman
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. — John Krasinski
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. — Jack E. Leonard
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg. — Ricky Gervais
Funny Jokes Image Quotes
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. — Sayings
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
Bad Jokes Quotes
There is no bad time to laugh. I always joke, even five minutes before a game. It’s not bad to stay a little immature. — Kylian Mbappe
We didn't like to do the traditional prank show where we felt bad for people having jokes pulled on them. — Joe Gatto
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. — Joan Rivers
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Sayings
I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. — Ronnie Wood
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show. — Jeff Dunham
The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one. — Julius Charles Hare
Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? — George Bernard Shaw
A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes. — Zac Efron
Dirty Jokes Quotes
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen
Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That's their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood. — Gloria Steinem
Everyone seems to think I'm very ladylike. That I'm very cultured and intelligent. I drink alot of Diet Coke and belch. I've been known to use the F-word. I've told a few dirty jokes. I arm-wrestle. — Helena Bonham Carter
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
The government passed more laws to protect women from dirty jokes than to protect men from death by faulty rafters at a construction site. — Warren Farrell
Stay out of the gutter in your conversation. Foul talk defiles the man who speaks it... Don't swear. Don't profane. Avoid so-called dirty jokes. Stay away from conversation that is sprinkled with foul and filthy words. You will be happier if you do so, and your example will give strength to others. — Gordon B. Hinckley
The cheesecake was smooth and lush, with the personality of a warm and well-to-do uncle who knows a hundred dirty jokes and will die of sexual exertions in the arms of his mistress. — Don Delillo
Trust me, You can dance.
I don't really know what is shocking. When you tell the story of a man who is beheaded, you have to show how they cut off his head. If you don't, it's like telling a dirty joke and leaving out the punch line. — Roman Polanski
Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled. — Billy Joel
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too. — Bob Saget
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap — Red Skelton
Old Jokes Quotes
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment. — Alistair Begg
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. — George Burns
Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew. — Ivan Turgenev
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost. — Ken Dodd
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work. — Hy Gardner
Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. — Jack Benny
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave. — Dylan Brody
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright
I'm pretty goofy and I make a lot of dumb jokes - life is too short to be serious, so I guess that's how I flirt. To be honest, I think I'm too shy and reserved to be a proper old fashioned flirt. — Cory Monteith
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh. — Malcolm Muggeridge
Marriage Jokes Quotes
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. — Madeleine de Scudery
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers. — Richard Pryor
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Marriage is not a joke. It is not like food that you can spit out when it is too hot to chew. —
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for awhile.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after. — James Dobson
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman
according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm. — Dinah Maria Murlock Craik
Golf Jokes Quotes
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens. — Bob Hope
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. — Gene Perret
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. — Confucius
Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. — Bruce Lansky
Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. — Winston Churchill
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. — Henry Beard
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. — Brian Weiss
The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things. — John Updike
In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. — Gene Perret
Political Jokes Quotes
There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people...religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin! — Charles M. Schulz
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. — Jon Stewart
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them. — Bob Hope
New opinions often appear first as jokes and fancies, then as blasphemies and treason, then as questions open to discussion, and finally as established truths. — George Bernard Shaw
To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct. — John Waters
I understand what a normal political speech is. You get up there, tell a few jokes, you have the flags behind you, and you speak for 10 or 15 minutes in broad generalities. — Bernie Sanders
Reagan was an exceedingly likeable guy, just a heck of a nice fellow, despite his politics. He was funny and loved a good joke, the dirtier, I'm afraid the more ethnic, the better. I don't think he brought very much to the presidency, except charisma and success. — Walter Cronkite
To joke in the face of danger is the supreme politeness, a delicate refusal to cast oneself as a tragic hero. — Edmond Rostand
It's important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don't think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. — John Mulaney
Love Joke Quotes
The Mexican...is familiar with death. [He] jokes about it, caresses it, sleeps with it, celebrates it. It is one of his favorite toys and his most steadfast love. — Octavio Paz
I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.' — Paul Feig
I love my babies so much that I could kiss them all day long..as a job. I could be a professional baby kisser. No joke. — Jessica Capshaw
The wrong kind of guy to fall in love with is the guy who will let go of the steering wheel as a joke. A guy who finds it amusing to make you uncomfortable, which is more common than you'd think, is someone you want to avoid. — An Na
I love Thanksgiving turkey... It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. — Arnold Schwarzenegger
It stands to reason that we love chocolate cake because it is sweet. Guys go for girls like this because they are sexy. We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why. — Daniel Dennett
It stands to reason that we love chocolate cake because it is sweet. Guys go for girls like this because they are sexy. We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why. — Dan Dennett
Best of all is it to preserve everything in a pure, still heart, and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving, and for every breath a song. — Conrad Gessner
If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love. — Amy Carmichael
She loved three things — a joke, a glass of wine, and a handsome man. — W. Somerset Maugham
When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. — R. C. Sherriff
Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. — Jonathan Clements
Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. — Gene Perret
I was thinking Im going to die but I'm not going to tap — Lyoto Machida
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. — Laurence J. Peter
Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." — Gene Perret
I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. — Gene Perret
Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. — Malcolm Forbes
Jewish Humor Quotes
And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up! — Robin Williams
People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white! — Sayings
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" — Henny Youngman
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik
I always thought the biggest failing of Americans was their lack of irony. They are very serious there! Naturally, there are exceptions... the Jewish, Italian, and Irish humor of the East Coast. — Colin Firth
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. — Daniel Tosh
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman
I'm a Larry David fan, right? And it seems to me that Jewish history from the Talmud on has been a self-deprecating, self-critical kind of humor. — Peter Eisenman
I certainly didn't have New York Jewish humor. But I was in three Mel Brooks films so people thought I was a connoisseur of New York Jewish humor. — Gene Wilder
Jewish introspection and Jewish humor is a way of surviving . . . if you're not handsome and you're not athletic and you're not rich, there's still one last hope with girls, which is being funny. — Mike Nichols
Good Funny Quotes
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. — Dennis Wholey
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. — Woody Allen
I've lost a million and a half on the horses and dice in the last two years. And the funny part is, I still like 'em, and if someone handed me another million I'd put it right in the nose
of some horse that looked good to me. — Al Capone
A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. — Lois Wyse
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest — Winston Churchill
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. — Donna Roberts
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. — Billy Crystal
love the life you live. live the life you love. — Bob Marley
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable. — Gabourey Sidibe
There's two types of hecklers. If someone says something really funny it's normally them heckling as part of the show. They're trying to add onto one of your jokes. If someone says something really funny, I've never seen a comedian abuse them, you always sort of tip your hat a little bit if they nail it. — Jim Jefferies
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. — Ronnie Corbett
You like the girl," Alasdair offered. Nassar leveled a heavy gaze at him. "Lillian said you tried to be funny in the car. I told her it couldn't possibly be true. The moment you try to make a joke, the sky shall split and the Four Horsemen will ride out, heralding Apocalypse. — Ilona Andrews
In the beginning, every little thing used to bother me. Now, even the worst sounding things sound like a joke because I’ve seen everything. — Ryan Higa
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day. — John Bishop
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me. — Daniel Tosh
Everything with jokes is about context. Jimmy Carr makes jokes about Jews. One of his jokes I remember is ‘They say there’s safety in numbers – tell that to 6 million Jews’. You laugh because it is funny. I don’t think Jimmy Carr is Jewish but the thing with that joke is it is primarily about the wordplay. He’s saying that this saying doesn’t always apply and has found a horrific and funny example. I don’t think that makes him anti-Semitic. But there could be a way of doing a joke that is anti-Semitic. No one really knows until you’ve said the joke, this is the thing. It really depends on the context. — Konstantin Kisin
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. — Daniel Tosh
This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover. — Dorothy Fuldheim
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys. — Daniel Tosh
The good Lord in his ultimate wisdom gave us three things to make life bearable: hope, jokes, and dogs, but the greatest of these was dogs. — Robyn Davidson
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.' — Daniel Tosh
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. — Steve Martin
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" — Eddie Izzard
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh
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